misadventures of the eternal summer sunshine!

The grey-eyed heroin boy

2012-02-07T02:44:00.001+08:00

That morning, I sat down in my clinic room and glanced through the little, long slit.

A young Malay boy, slightly pudgy, was sitting in anticipation with his hands cusped. He wore a sprightly shade of red in the form of a chequered shirt. His backpack, as if equally apprehensive, leaned forward from its own weight in the seat next to him. I must say what blew me away were those eyes. Very few Malays – or Asians for that matter – had eyes as captivating as his – as if a trance state could be evoked from gazing into those abysmal windows.

He walked into my clinic that day, a decision made after many years of battling the tightening noose around his neck. Bluntly put, it all started with getting cheap thrills out of cough syrup, but along the way, things got serious, and now he cannot live a day without smoking at least 3 straws of heroin.

He walked into my clinic sheepishly, as if a schoolboy at the disciplinarian’s. When he rapturously spoke about himself, his grey eyes lit up like nebulas. But when he spoke of his shame, the heroin, the foil and the proverbial dragon, he bows in shame, hiding those eyes behind his fringe, as if a psychological barrier to guard himself against the discerning scrutiny from the rest of the world.

“All my brother needed to do was to unravel the aluminium foil… Once I hear it… I go crazy… And it made my craving go out of control…I end up going out to get more junk…”

His brother was a drug addict, perhaps a more hard-core one than he was. Everyday, he watches his brother leave the house, sometimes clad only in a sarong and singlet. He returns home later in the day with a bag, and retires to his room with the door closed. Moments after, he emerges – bloodshot eyes, a little high, sometimes stuporous. Grey-eyed boy simply loathed it. For years, he refused to talk to his brother – by now, deemed a nuisance to the family, the reason for the parents to split, the reason for the loan sharks harassing the home of their 76-year old grandmother. And thus it was cruel irony that he is now in the very footsteps of his brother.

“I was Assistant Manager there for 2 years… I got Best Employee in 2008, then after that I went to study for my diploma…”

Grey-eyed boy weaved a story a little different than the majority of patients in the addictions medicine clinic. Sombre tales of failure, succumbing to one’s fate laid in the clenches of drugs or alcohol, and rejection peppered the life stories of most patients who see us for the first time. Grey-eyed boy was not one to speak in ‘poor me’ tones. He described how well he did in F&B, his promotions and being the blue-eyed boy of his supervisors. Vivid description of his dreams, his aspirations were punctuated by child-like giggles and silly laughter. He was a child. The counter-transference I received? I felt like my own son was sitting in front of me.

When it was time to talk about the real deal, the drug and forensic history, the boy I thought I knew, slowly turned into an angry, sad man. The light in his eyes dimmed. He spoke in deeper tones, almost growling.

“Last week the bosses found out. They told me to quit.”

I maintained eye contact.

”I quit like they wanted me to. It’s not their fault. If I were my boss, I would have done the same.”

He fiddled with the ends of his chequered shirt.

“I am not a good person.”

And I felt it. I felt the hatred he had for himself, the trouble he got himself into and its scathing repercussions. He devalued himself, with much conviction. But I could not bring myself to agree.

I closed the outpatient clinic notes, and placed them aside. I opened the printer tray, and drew out a clean sheet of paper.

“Now look at this.”

I drew a long line, with several intervals in between. The line was blotched, crooked and ugly. I apologised, as I was drawing the line from an awkward angle. He chortled nervously, but remained attentive.

“Here are your short term goals.”

”Complete detox”

”Consider going to a halfway house”

”Find job again”

“And here are your long term goals.” I drew crosses on the second half of that crooked long line.

”What do I want to be in 1 year”

”What do I want to achieve in 5 years”

”10 years”

I put down the pen. He was silent. But I knew things were whirling in his mind.

Briefly thereafter, we got into the routine of physical examinations, arranging for blood tests, and preparation for elective admission into the ward for opioid detoxification. We spent an hour. visibly tired from the long session, he nodded in appreciation, shook my hand, and prepared to leave.

As he opened the door, he suddenly turned around.

”Err, doctor, do you mind if I have that piece of paper?”

He pointed to the paper from the printer, the one with the ugly crooked lines and messy intervals and doctorly scribbles. I laughed. “Sure!”

He carefully folded the paper, neatly, edge-to-edge, and slipped it into his backpack. With a faint smile, he left the consultation room quietly.

I did not manage to use any of the skills, or knowledge that my training as a doctor gave me. Was that failure on my part? All I did was to speak to him like a fellow human being, no more or no less than a stranger on the street giving advice on life and its lemons.

Today, this patient opened up a blind spot to which I did not prepare my soul’s eye to see.

Less inspired

2011-11-29T23:54:00.001+08:00

Having a late late lunch on a dim dreary Tuesday

Finding it difficult to be inspired these days.

I’m doing pretty okay in most aspects of my life, I recently had a little snippet of good news through the mailer. I have time for pursuits outside of work. But why is it that I fail to derive pleasure or happiness from things that I used to enjoy doing?

Maybe something is missing.

Someone like me.

2011-11-29T00:13:00.001+08:00

Dear girl,

Today you retraced your steps, and to your horror, you made the mistakes that you've made again and again, thus opening the door and welcoming the damage.

Yet you could not comprehend how you could have allowed this stupidity to rear its ugly head yet again. For days you pondered, to no avail. At work behind the screens, at rest amongst the trees, at leisure, supposed leisure, your body delves into the depths of the waters, yet not as deep as the rut in your heart.

Today I thought of the people I’ve loved and the people I’ve missed.

Today I thought about baggage, and how the weight of one’s past can cause his present to cave in.

Today I thought about regrets..

Today I wrote a letter to Chichi, and I felt relieved.

Oh my god I miss baking

2011-11-08T00:57:00.001+08:00

So much that I’m contemplating getting my own oven.

A couple of months ago I moved into my new place in the central plains (not Mongolia, please hor). The new flat is about half the size (which is not something I mind too much), pretty well-equipped and well-ventilated (woah, good feng shui!).

It would have been perfect if we had an oven, but since we’ve already extorted the landlady to buy us a microwave, I decided not to push my boundaries too far.

But boy, do I miss baking I was going through old photos on Facebook and reminisced about the strawberry cheesecakes I baked for my beloved fellow HOs in CGH – such joy to channel one’s stress through baking – with the beaming smiles of hungry friends as a bonus!

I miss baking so much that I’m contemplating buying my own oven – how, should I? Mum’s the usual penny-savvy one, but she let slip “maybe you can get a little oven so you can continue baking” – I guess she knows too.

***

It’s been 3 months since we’ve moved into the new place. Everyone’s pretty much settled in. Life has finally settled into it’s comfortable plateau, and I wonder when the next peak (or trough) will be.

We’ve found a new friend in Jane, and newly defined roles in Mel and Fio. Jane’s pretty much the mild-mannered and temperate girl (i.e.perfect housemate). As for Mel and Fio… Well, if you read Ernest Ng’s comic blog, you’ll pretty much get a feel of what life is like with these nutcases around.

I’ve just finished my MMed Part I and goodness know where that will take me. Pass or not, que sera, sera. I’ve learnt and now know better than to worry about things beyond my control.

Maybe it’s time to look for new little adventures.

There really is no end to this

2011-10-18T11:27:00.002+08:00

Cough, sore throat, flu, cough, sore throat.

I’ve been surrounded by people who are sick both in JB and S’pore. Little wonder I’m not getting any better!

It’s really time for the good stuff. It certainly looks like it’s time for the good old antibiotics to work their magic. I’ve been coughing so hard I can almost shoot brain juice out of my nose.

Sigh self prescription.

If there’s music all night

2011-10-14T17:36:00.001+08:00

I hate my short stubby fingers. They are really lousy for guitar.

n days to freedom?

2011-10-11T22:57:00.001+08:00

I am tired and sleepy and I don’t know what I am studying anymore. T__T

Sigh but I still feel stupid.

And rather objectively, I don’t think I am studying as hard as I should. But then again enough about exams. In other news…

The car! It has arrived! My first big fat purchase with my own sweat (haa all the %^& surgical night calls are worth it) and blood (err, not my own, but. Haha. Still.) I can finally put my driving license to regular use!

Such joy to be driving one’s own ego trip. (Psychiatrists: Penis envy jokes not appreciated at this point!!!)

Haih. OK back to my desk. Life sucks.

Life is a perpetual examination anyway

2011-10-06T14:22:00.001+08:00

Deja vu. Why the hell did I get myself into this?

And the battle continues…

The porcelain dancer in the musical box

2011-10-04T21:28:00.001+08:00

It is often too easy to work like one of those clichéd musical box ornaments – At the turn of a knob, the miniature dancer dances on her pedestal lifelessly, accented by her frozen, painted porcelain smile. It has no mind, no life nor soul – it dances and twirls, until the gear turns out;, ending its transient burst of life to stagnation, then returning to rest its little musical coffin.

The B clinic in IMH is strongly reminiscent of internal medicine outpatient clinics or government polyclinics. The patient load is terribly high, leaving medical and nursing staff to go without lunch in order to finish the load. Sometimes doctors have to overrun clinics – morning sessions nibbling into the afternoon slots, leaving the last of the morning patients tired and frustrated, and the early afternoon patients anticipating in anxiety.

The typical experience of a consult room is one of heightened anxiety, an emotional climate that can be easily felt once the consultation commences. In 5 to 10 minutes, there is much to be done. Hello uncle how are you? Did you take your medication? Any side effects? How much medication do you need? How is your mood? Depressed? Are you hearing voices? Can I see you in 3 weeks time? Often, the junior doctors see patients who are relatively stable, thus requiring minimal intervention besides maintenance on the therapeutic regimen that works for them. Therefore, if one’s luck is good enough not to encounter any acutely unwell patients, the consultation sessions work like a factory production line – concise, precise and goal-directed, to the benefit of the outpatient system that keeps the clinic running effectively.

This then brings us to the topic of the lifeless porcelain dancer in the musical box.

The system that helps to establish order and stability in healthcare is also the breeding ground for clockwork production. If a doctor works long enough in this system, soon a template will develop and fall into place – a brood of questions to ask, a schema of patterns to recognize, the development of an accurate guesstimate of how much time it takes to finish seeing a patient. Our good doctor then becomes the dancer in the musical box – the marionette of hospital protocol; tugged by the strings of which hospital resources, public expectations and administrative policies are attached to.

Indeed, it is not easy being a doctor in a government institution; there are often more bouquets than brickbats, there are unseen and unspoken hurdles to be crossed. In a country that has expectations that our healthcare be reminiscent of those in Western countries, local culture, attitudes and beliefs on healthcare is still anchored by our Asian backgrounds.

Yet above all, despite the challenges, credit must be given to the doctors who break the porcelain face of the lifeless dancer – making that extra effort to offer personalized care and recognize the human factor in providing healthcare. Doctors who refuse to see their patients as, say that schizophrenic who is on risperidone 2mg ON, but as a father of 2 who lost his job 6 months ago, the one whose daughter is sitting for major exams this year, the one who was at the cafeteria this morning and had wanton noodles for breakfast, the one who is about to start a new job as a deliveryman next week. Doctors who always ask ‘what’s next?’ for their patients, never content with ‘as long as he’s stable on haloperidol and doesn’t hear voices’, an advocate of empowerment and the rights to quality of life.

We must thus never forget to acknowledge these good colleagues – those who strive to be a tool of the system, instead of allowing it to be a noose that limits what they can do as healthcare professionals. They are a constant reminder to the rest of us that we have a choice – that we don’t have to be that lifeless porcelain dancer in the musical box.

The Lazy Blog

2011-06-09T23:56:00.001+08:00

Tomorrow will take care of itself

Today we sent a patient who spent half a year in hospital home. There was indeed much trepidation and anxiety for the family, but nothing ventured, nothing gained. Sometimes the best way out of the dark is to just tread the first step.

Anyway it was with much relief that she was able to return home…

Managed to present her for Grand Ward Round to the department this morning… Which was quite a feat considering I started on the slides at the eleventh hour… Phew! Luckily for me, there was minimal gunfire during the Q&A session (which is something like oral defence for PhD students for those who are familiar with the system). So all in all, I managed to escape relatively unscathed. Teehee =D

Had quite a kickass dimsum lunch with the Thursday Lunch Bunch at Xiu Cai at NUSS Guild House – favourite NUH staff haunt, apparently. Not complaing cos I don’t have to eat the swine feed at the NUH Kopitiam, there’s aircon, food here is good and there’s good lunchtime company and laughter. LOL!

Sigh Thursdays are such long days…End at IMH late, dinner late, home late and by the end I come out of the shower I’m too zonked to do anything (except submit call claims on iHR! MUAHAHA I LOVE $UBMITTING CLAIM$)

I’m so sleepy sigh.

Too late to call Zhen, Ji in China, waiting for John reply me on MSN (must have gotten d/c-ed for the nth time yet again, haha)

Lazy leh.

Hehe.

From a hospital bed

2011-06-07T22:39:00.001+08:00

Wrote this when I was feeling rather low end of last week, thinking about my mistakes, having to atone for my mistakes, feeling rather lacking in self-esteem, feeling hollow, feeling empty.

Fading petals melt away
To which reveal a dying bud;
I peel away my shadowed fears
Only revealing buried scars

Pervasive rains they melt the soil
Revealing skulls of dead men past;
The more i seek, thus forth i find
My sordid wrongs beneath that cast

The earthen rocks beneath reveal
Old carcasses fossiled in stone;
Amongst my sins its thus pronounced
Bathed in my wrongs, i stand alone.

How sad my heart, it drowns in wine!
I bear the faults, alone I claim;
How ugly my spirits be!
I weep in woe, I bow in shame.

Tonight the sickened mellow winds
They stroke my feet, thus I come forth;
With every step that beckons me
Thus judgement be for me come dawn.

Whassup giddy up!

2011-03-21T21:56:00.001+08:00

Life reminders: Read that book. In my context, that means Basant Puri Revision Notes in Psychiatry. NOT 8Days. Sigh.

So I’ve spent the last two weekends having a gathering with the CBLC peeps and Meddies (at separate sittings, of course) at my house, resulting in ALOT of noise and residual alcohol at my place.

It’s ridiculous. Now what the hell do I do with 5 cans of Tiger, 1 bottle of Hoegaarden, 1 bottle of Kahlua, 1/2 vodka and 2/3 bottle of red wine? (Jon Teh would probably say “invite us to your house! We will solve the problem for you! MUAHAHHAHA.”) Hahaha. Which is not that bad an idea. But I think I need some time to recuperate (organising too many one-[wo]man show dinners! Tired. Need a sabbatical!

And then there was Sijia’s BBQ, drinks with the girls at Bar Cocoon (that place sucked btw) and KTV till 3am, KTV with the Meddies, BBQ at YJ’s ~~harem~~ ~~mansion~~ house, dinner with Bangbang Nuts Munch on Beans.

And learning guitar next month! I’m so excited!!!

BTW sidenote. My quitar is pink. I love it. It looks like this:

Hahaha saranghaeyo pink guitar!! <3

So that just about sums up my past 1 month!

Darn mosquitoes are hovering about. I’m trying to do my presentation dammit!

Back to work. Lalala.

Listen to your heart

2011-03-14T23:35:00.000+08:00

Now more than ever, enjoy taking the path less taken.

Psychiatry has been nothing short of interesting - the seemingly simplistic depressive disorder, brought such satisfaction to a mere, budding trainee like myself. Seeing a despondent man, brought down from the ledge of his balcony, crying and desperate; nursed back to health and waving goodbye to the ward a week later, looking forward to resume life from where he left off.

The aspiring footballer with a first episode psychosis, holding his mother's hand and saying "it's alright Ma, I'm okay now," when the antipsychotic medications finally takes his mind out of the woods.

The psychiatric ward nurses with such finesse and genteel, listening to bipolar patients ventilate their manic minds.

Now more than ever. Such a blessing to be doing work one enjoys.

Normalcy

2011-03-07T18:48:00.001+08:00

Totally not a term used to describe my current posting.

Okay, in all honesty life hasn’t been particularly dramatic since starting inpatient psychiatry in NUH.

Top-CGH stamp, Middle-SGH stamp, Bottom-NUH stamp. NUH whai you so ugly =(

Save for the occasional manic patient who runs out of his room without any pants on, once every 1-2 hours. But by Ward 33 standards, that’s pretty okay.

Having said that, normalcy is probably the word I’d use to describe my life at present – finally falling into steady state, closing some pretty turbulent chapters at long last, starting afresh, getting comfortable with routine – mildly mundane at times – but at least a keen sense of interest towards the ways of the world and a comfortable level of – well, comfort, are attained.

Slowly getting back into the scheme of things again – reconnecting with people in various aspects of my life whom I’ve had to momentarily put aside, listening to their stories, putting heart into their words.

So many things to see and do. Learn guitar. Swim more. Run everyday( – okay la, every other day sounds more realistic – ok make that every other other day). Play, learn, relax, enrich, love.

I have not logged in any cases since GS. PD is meeting us on the 17th. Still got 1 case study to write up on, 2 lectures to read up, 1 journal to read and discuss and one exam to prepare for in 4 months time. Haha I totally cannot jumpstart myself. How now, brown cow? Maybe I should use the ECT electrodes in the OT on myself. Hohoho.

I feel like eating matcha ice cream. On nom nom nom.

p/s: Brokenhearted, but not broken. Same same, but different.

It rains like my heart

2011-01-31T00:30:00.001+08:00

It rains like my heart

Like dank dew in pouring rain

On the petals of weary wildflowers in the unrelenting winds

It rains like my heart

With no signs of cease

As though as to wash our earth of sins

It rains like my heart

Now I sit in silence in anticipation of the morning’s rays

Perhaps, to stand in the rain might not be too bad after all?

为什么你不回家?

2011-01-29T16:21:00.000+08:00

It's a free weekend, why aren't you home?

Haven't you been waiting 5 weeks for this free weekend?

If even so, why are you alone now, with no purpose, staying in an empty shell? You have no reason to stay back, nor stay in.

Too much conflict.

Mum called, didn't pick up phone. (Didn't know what to say).

Troubled.

My greatest mistake

2010-12-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

It is too easy to feel like an insignificant minion – everyone calls you ‘eh’, ‘houseman’, ‘stethoscope’, ‘Volkman’s retractor’, ‘artery forceps’… Over time a houseman cannot help but feel depersonalised by the daily routines and processes that rob us of our identity and significance.
How did we get reduced to this state? After all, one too many medical students sprang from illustrious roots – top scorers in the national exams, national bowlers, marathon runners. Prolific teens who shook hands with the President at the age of 15, Physics Olympiad Winners, theatre understudies, cause activists. Progeny of a family that sprouted pioneers of various medical fields in the country.
Then we enter medical school – cue hoards of relatives and family friends taking pride in and sharing your limelight (“my mother’s neighbour’s nephew whom I used to play with when I was 3 years old”) – calling you pride of the nation, big bucks wager, smart ass, and the whole works.
After 5 years of labour, the elusive “Dr” prefix finally arrives in our dainty palms, accompanied by hearty handshakes from the Dean of Medicine, topped off with a dinner and dance celebrating your graduating batch in a posh hotel.

And that’s when everything falls apart.

Whoever thought that being a doctor was all about glam ( just like in ER, Grey’s Anatomy or God forbid, House MD), truly deserves to have an awakening smack on the head so hard and vault-shattering, a subdural haemorrhage may be precipitated. For I did not find it glamorous at all when one night, during my night call, a 90-year old delirious old lady, God bless her soul, spewed watery diarrhoea all over herself (could even see the remnants of bean spouts in her expelled matter) and my pants in the Emergency Department. I did not find it amusing when one night, I was setting an IV cannula on my patient, and when he said he felt a wave of fart coming, he really meant gas admixed with an estimated half litre of blood fresh from the rectum. I also found it quite solemn when one has to do CPR on a patient (aah, ain’t CPR cool when it’s confined to TV) who has blood literally spewing out of the abdomen where the fresh midline laparotomy scar was.

And on a daily basis, you tie all loose strings between the patient and defined endpoint – if the defined endpoint is surgery, then the loose ends to fix would be to refer Cardivascular Medicine for pre-operative assessment, fluid restrict the patient so his hyponatremia may resolve. Refer to MSW for financial issues. Occasionally you may even be tasked to find accommodation for a night or two for patients from overseas countries. The other occasion may require you to deliver your bosses’ items from Point A to Point B, say a surgical instrument, or a stack of case files.

Sometimes nurses may scream at you for not coming to attend to a patient who hasn’t peed for 4 hours, when you are in the midst of resuscitating a patient whose blood pressure was 60/38 (yes, mmHg). Sometimes nurses and relatives may call you for answers – answers for questions which you don’t even know, yet you are expected to deliver a satisfactory explanation. Sometimes you may be even tasked to apologise for mistakes you did not do.

And now you are tired, more tired than your body ever knew. You have blood on your Crocs, and a little bit of crusted vomit stain your scrub pants. It’s 3.10am and your phone never stopped ringing since 5pm, despite a dying battery. Answers, answers, answers. Action, action, action. You are thoroughly exhausted. 22 hours of non-stop work, and counting. Last meal was a hurried dinner at 5pm, thereafter intermittent Milo from the office vending machine. Parched throat from all the history taking, talking to relatives, giving orders to nurses, persuading radiologists to give you a scan, dry air of the night contributed by the merciless aircon, etc.

Does anybody ask you whether you have eaten?

Does anyone care if the scolding you got for not seeing an ARU patient because you were resuscitating another, was justified or otherwise?

Even if it was not justified, does said perpetrator apologise for actions?

Does anyone ask if you are tired, or need a break?

No. Because you are a doctor, and therefore you are Superman. So Superman, you can perform a toilet and suture even in your 37th hour of work without flinching.

Nobody calls me by name, il mio nome è nessuno…

Most deject, my spirits worn,
My hair unkempt, my shoes are torn.
The passers by, they all plague me,
For all I smell, is poo and pee.

In 36th the hour passed,
I worry how long I would last?
The faded blue of slavered gowns
Now cloudy grey with furrowed frowns.

How much aghast, my weary mind!
My closing eyes, so much unkind.
Oh how long before the exit rounds?
My feet, they throb; my heart, it pounds.

Yet, as if nature intended for me to be redirected, little things along the way delivered long thoughts in my mind. One day, a simple question of “你好吗” from a consultant drew a weary “such misery!” from myself. Yet his quip sent me thinking for days – he said “But why are you miserable? Medicine is good. Helping others is good.” Such nonchalant words, such spinal words. Said as if such thoughts were second nature to the speaker. I came to the realisation that I have been so blessed to be put in a position where I am able make a difference, to precipitate change, the ability to avert outcomes which may otherwise be disastrous.

Such dreary I deemed my work to be, that I almost forgot the joys of basking in the eventual return of my patients' health, the long handshakes, the appreciative hug from the 51-year old auntie with blonde hair who was admitted for gallstone pancreatitis.

Such insignificance I put to myself that I forgot had I not ordered the scans for that bleeding patient that night, nobody would have figured that his gastric ulcer exploded into bloodbags into the peritoneum, warranting an emergency operation to salvage his life. I also forgot that if there was no houseman to tie up all the loose ends together, there would be no sail, and without a sail, the ship would not steer. With no houseman to piece the little puzzles, there would not be any big picture – and you know how often they emphasise the importance of The Big Picture in medical school.

我还记得…

It was difficult to forget seeing a consultant in scrubs, after finishing his last op at 8pm, rushing 4 blocks down to the ward just to explain the nature of a procedure to the daughter of a patient who was due for an ERCP the following day. People don’t get paid extra when they make their way down very much post office hours to speak to families for 5 minutes. People don’t do it for a thank you, for an angpow, for a heartfelt appreciation banner in The Straits Times. People do it because it is the right thing to do, because it is a responsibility in one’s capacity as a professional.

Thus people like these remind us that we are, indeed, important, in our own ways, in our own niche. Yet that realisation of importance must always be entwined with the humility and the recognition that own is indeed blessed, for the ability to serve others is an indication of one’s own good fortune.

My greatest mistake was to reckon that I was not important; but now, reflecting on my journey, I know better. Not only am I undeniably important, all my work – provided done in good faith - not futile, always worthwhile. And that always makes all the difference.

Lady from Medan: It all started with a pulmonary embolism

2010-12-07T22:41:00.000+08:00

It all started with a pulmonary embolism.

It was then I realised I was but only a doctor.

Today, this small lady from Medan who was accompanied by her nephew, sat on the sofa adjacent to each other. I sat on the coffee table. She was dabbing her eyes minutes before this conversation started.

"Loh kun, tolong lah, qiu qiu ni..."

She held my forearm and had this hollow, lost look, her moist eyes pleading; my heart really sank because I knew I could not deliver; as there was only so much a junior doctor like myself could do.

She was newly diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue, admitted for further intervention; however the discovery of a history of pulmonary embolism and right heart failure rendered her unfit for surgical intervention. Therefore she was discharged ASAP, as Boss fully knows that an additional day of admission would incur another day of expenses for this patient who left home with all she had with the hope of a cure, however corny that may sound.

Further assessment of her fitness for surgery would include a 2D-echocardiogram; however the earliest appointment date was Jan 2011. (On hindsight, the gruesome picture painted by my Registrar was starkly horrid, but probably true- "2DE in Jan 2011? By the time we get to operate on her, it will not be an operation already, it will be a post-mortem! It's cancer we are talking about you know?")

In view of the very warranted need for an urgent appointment, I spent the next 2 hours calling the cardiologists, then proceeded to call the Echo lab officers - and almost got into an argument with them. Trying hard to suppress my exasperation, stern but not yet shouting, I had to convey to them I needed most desperately an estimated appointment time for my patient - can I get it within days? Months? Weeks? It would make so much difference to the patient because if she cannot afford to wait, say 2 weeks for an appointment, at least she can return to Medan to avoid incurring cost while lodging in Singapore. However I was replied with a curt and cold "I don't know, just fax over. I cannot tell when", a line that was already repeated to me for the umpteeth time.

I was angry, tired and felt most dejected...

It was that time I felt most trapped by the system which was supposed to help me. I felt that the system was but a structure, and we are humans who are capable of analysis, discernment and most of all, the ability to feel - yet I was appalled that the system takes precedence of its more superior and complex creator, the human being.

I was angry for many hours, till a few moments ago, then I realised I could blame no one; in the complexities of our systems and the myriad of protocols we create, we effectively remove the humane bit out of the system, and create micro-roles for these people who work for it.

The cardiologist's role is but to assess the 2DE and later, the patient;

The lab officer's role is but to schedule the 2DE appointments she receives through the fax.

The ward clerk's role is to fax the fax over to the lab,

The surgeon's role is to dissect the diseased organ.

And of course, the house officer coordinates all of the above, so the last one can be done.

It was hard to take out that image from my mind; that lady from Medan, sitting on the sofa with her worn-out luggage bags. It was 4pm, and reruns were showing on TV in the discharge lounge. The happy songs on TV ironically reflect not her thoughts; as her original plan to come in for surgery, then leave for Medan as soon as the deed is done. Now she has paid SGD6000+ deposit, with no guarantee of surgery of yet, and no 2DE appointment in sight as we speak. No relatives in Singapore, spoke little Mandarin, She pulls the sleeves of her faded denim jacket down, at ill ease from the cold. How, doctor, how are things, she asked in Hokkien. I said do not cry, we will help you. We are doing our best. My heart and morale took a dip when I finished saying that line.

Shake that kitty!

2010-11-29T22:00:00.001+08:00

Totally unrelated headline, only there because I’m listening to Lady Gaga’s song of the same name.

Anyway!

On my lovable Mommie

LOL my Mommie is so cute. She bought a box of chocolates out of the blue and left it on my table just like that! Talk about spontaneity.

On SIPs who came and went, and their impending MBBS

Status post 2 batches of student interns! Boy, those were the days when I was a student intern and I had no care in the world, just follow my HO around like a shadow with all of the action and zero of the responsibilities! Erm, well being a HO is fun too. But with the added burden of responsibility – which can be quite a weight to carry =S Like trace FBCs, read ECGs, keep Hb > 9.0, keep INR between 2-2.5 and dealing with psychobitches (note: Am NOT referring to nurses. At all. In fact most of them are quite nice and human i.e nice when treated with respect)

This is ~~Fiona’s~~ my friend's SIP's erm. Lovely Thank You card. ;P HAHAHHA SORRY HAHAHA I HAD TO LAUGH! IT’S SO FUNNY IT LOOKS JUST LIKE FIONA HAHAHAHAH

Fiona *exasperated sigh* “It’s. OMG. IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ME LAH! *Uses fingers to cover her name on card* Okay you can take a picture, but I HAVE to cover my name!”

“You sure cannot see my name, right?”

Oh boy oh boy.

On being (half) Hakka and garlic chives

When I was young Mommie used to cook alot of stuff that her Mommie used to make!All sorts of Hakka treats such as 韭菜油饼 (chive pancakes), sweet potato pancakes, braised pork belly with mustard greens… Aaah.. Those were the days of my childhood when I would put my chin on the kitchen counter and listen to Mommie talk (endlessly) about how she would help her Mommie out in the kitchen whipping out delish treats with whatever little the family could afford on Gramps’ miner salary.

And one night I had the urge to eat chive pancakes! Arrgh I dunno. I just made them. One fine night, out of the blue. And it felt like childhood all over again, only this time, with considerable distance between kitchen counter and chin. =)

Why am I blogging about such inane, random stuff? Haha I don’t know. It feels therapeutic I suppose.

OKAY OKAY I’m updating my blog alreadyyyyy

2010-11-23T00:11:00.001+08:00

Young adulthood’s most epic reminder, summed up in one photo:

And find time to breathe in, breathe out and let go. I forget to do that sometimes. Please remind me if I do.

Find time to breathe outside the daily circle, and laugh; deep breaths, deep breaths and then explode with laughter again. If that moment passes, it will be lost to time. And you will regret not relishing that moment while you were in it.

Work is hard. Eyes get hurt daily from reading ECGs ad Xrays. Arms tired from resuscitating patients at 4.10am. Buttcheeks sore from falling asleep on a cold, hard chair. Our bodies battered, our souls fatigued. Thus let us play harder.

Little reasons like good food and good company, are reasons enough.

Friends are everywhere, keep your eyes and hearts open.

Despite complaining about how much your job sucks, it’s okay to be secretly proud of what you are, and what you do. Occasionally.

Bask in silly moments, as we grow older they become far and wide to come across.

Make new friends, and eat plenty of chocolates.

Keep a hobby alive, and enjoy what you do.

Friends who are out of sight, should not be kept out of mind. Classmates can reunite after 20 years; what more good friends who are an hour’s drive away. Keep them in your heart; and make effort; we city folks are so full of ourselves and get preoccupied with The Moment, we simply forget to make effort to keep our loved ones close.

Amongst the many lessons I’ve learnt since starting real adulthood. =)

Why didn't the surgeons teach me how to do bedside circumcision? And other stories

2010-09-10T00:21:00.000+08:00

You know, If there's ever one thing I should learn about housemanship, it's that however sucky the posting gets, whatever shitwork (or rather chitwork - everyday printing OT chits like a ward clerk) you get, however late the hours run, your life is really dictated by your immediate colleagues.

Your team HOs - Those stuck in the same predicament as you. As fellow HOs, when your consultant scolds you as scum, you are, effectively and collectively, scum. You are scum that moves in blocks and in waves, usually gravitating towards venues where there is free food/notepads/pens/usually just the pens amongst other rubbish given out by pharmaceutical companies. You are, scum, scum that blends into the walls when a random question (that you obviously can't answer) is thrown into the room. You are that bowel retractor in the OT, that curtain drawer in the wards. That stethoscope hanger during the morning rounds. "Steth," says the registrar. You should immediately bow and be the first outstretched hand with a stethoscope in situ. If the word "Houseman" preceeds "steth", then you should bow in deep gratefulness that your presence has been acknowledged by someone in the team. You are officially human, Houseman. Congratulations.

However the hours seem shorter with good colleagues. People you finish up after, and vice versa. People who help to ink up things you've forgotten, who notice things you've missed. The reason why you are getting half the numbers of calls from pharmacists/nurses/speech therapists just because they are around.

People you bitch to at the end of the day, people you cry to when you've had a bad day. People you can physically lie your head on (because you didn't go post-call, your last oral intake was leftover takeaways from last night and you are outright pooped)

People who are more than colleagues, not just friends but comrades. The hes and shes with whom you will tell stories about to your kids/medical students under your tutelage, just like how war veterans share their war stories.

There are also fellow HOs who are gems, those who come to your aid when despondent and totally swarmed.

Lest we forget, we not only look up to our senior colleagues, but also our fellow HOs who are themselves good examples - doing what is right when one is not looking, working through the night because it's poor etiquette to leave the crap work to the next guy coming in the following morning.

Fellow HOs make life seem less miserable, the dreadful hours easier to pass, the canteen food easier to stomach. And it's because of people like these we should celebrate with a burger of mammoth proportions.

epic enough to feed 5 people!

Cannulate

2010-09-07T23:10:00.001+08:00

Today I slipped and fell in the shower and strained my right knee. Currently limping a little, and the knee's a little effused. The doc couldn't give me any jabs because all his jab stock consists of NSAIDs which I'm allergic to. So I suppose it's analgesic creams and pressure bandage for now. He's given me 3 days worth of MC, but I think I should be okay enough to return to work tomorrow.

The house is unusually quiet today. ZW says it is as quiet as a library... I concur. I'm in the living room submitting last month's claims, and logging in cases on ACGME-i online (something I should have done 2 months ago). Besides me tapping furiously away on the laptop, there is nary a voice, not even a whisper. The $2.50 Ikea clock is ticking away.

The orphenadrine is making me groggy - alternating between drowsy and in (moderate) pain the whole day.

Silent, silent night,
Quench the holy light
Of thy torches bright;

For possessed of Day
Thousand spirits stray
That sweet joys betray.

Why should joys be sweet
Used with deceit,
Nor with sorrows meet?

But an honest joy
Does itself destroy
For a harlot coy.

(William Blake, Silent, Silent Night)

General Surgery posting in SGH Week 2 and counting.

Ventilate

2010-09-06T00:31:00.002+08:00

Why?

Sometimes people may do you wrong. Yes, I know you are human. I know it is hard to forget what has happened, and what has been done. Yet even if you cannot forget, perhaps you can forgive? If that too is hard to do, at least moderate the feelings of hatred inside of you?

Is it really necessary to inflict pain on not only the object of your contempt, but also the people around him? What have we done wrong? Were we not once your friends?

What is the use of recognising a new God if you can't comprehend the meaning of love, something which transcends all religions?

Is it really necessary to do all this and hurt all of us, and yourself in the process?

Fine. Be the obstinate person you want to be, one who grows old bitter, full of pain and devoid of warmth.

Dear Popo (完结片)

2010-08-09T23:40:00.001+08:00

Dear Popo,

It’s been a difficult 5 years but somehow I have finally made it. Initially there was a little scare somewhere at the end, and by a hair’s breadth I almost lost it all; but somehow – just somehow, I think you must have been watching over me.

Dear Popo,

Sometimes you get through a very difficult period of time, a very ugly part of life; and when calm resumes you just want to shut that part of your life out. These days I feel like that. I refuse to talk about it, think about it, let alone be reminded of it. I suppose shutting things out may be a form of escapism, my way of dealing with things so that I can move on with life – to be able to function on a daily basis; as so to speak – to be able to work, play, love and live. I have stopped talking, stopped sharing, even with friends who have been keeping close tabs on what has been happening since day one. What’s the point anyway? I find these days talking about it doesn’t help anymore, and if something doesn’t help, there is no point doing it.

One day I might find the courage to share, but until that day happens, I remain apprehensive, and probably a little afraid; I don’t think I have reached the point where I am able to say I have completely closed the lid on this Pandora’s box that used to wreck havoc, once upon a time.

Despite that, Popo, I have finally finished that long tumultuous, painstaking journey. First doctor in the family, on both sides! Yay! Not that it matters too much, because after we believe in whatever you want to be, be the best one – but still, one can’t help but be secretly pleased at the thought of completing a journey well-known for its barbs and thorns.

When I was robing up for the graduation photo shoot I was reminded of you and the many little things about you. Your homemade kaya, cooked over a slow fire; your red jellies for the bubur chacha. Your little slippers (size 4!!!wtf!!!) parked at the staircase, your curly wurly grey hair.

Life is shedding its autumn leaves. If it sheds not, then to where new saplings shalt we seek? Popo, keep your eyes close on me. There’s one last leaf I have to rid, before I beckon a new season. Keep your fingers crossed, and help me win this last hurdle.

Thanks Popo. Somehow part of you became part of Mama, and part of Mama became part of me. And sometimes I do feel part of you inside of me – that oxymoronic feeling of being strong when one is weak. You were that woman who, albeit one who was gentle and kind, and cried easily, raised 7 kids who grew up to be fiercely protective of you. I suppose we will always be this oddball descent of weak but strong women.

Dear Popo, I suppose you never left all along. Part of you breathes through me. And this is probably how I will keep you close, always.

Dear God, grant me the serenity.. AARGHH WHAT CRAP CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMOREEEE

2010-07-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: Following account may or may not be based on true experiences of the writer. Any semblance of any characters living, dead or otherwise may or may not be purely coincidental. For all we know, the following story may just be a fragment of the writer’s imagination.

Proposed OSCE station for MBBS 2011: The difficult relative

Conversation between House Officer (HO) and difficult relative of patient. Scenario: Patient is elderly gentleman, fell at home. Came into hospital confused and feverish. Daughter gave standing order at A&E not to take bloods. During morning rounds, HO given mammoth task of persuading daughter to give consent for blood taking.

After the usual salutations and introductions…

HO: I understand that you and your family are very against blood-taking, but I’d like to explain why we would like to conduct the following blood tests..**HO goes on to explain fever+fall+confused = seedy infection running wild somewhere, must track down and gun the mischief maker before it creates more hell**

Difficult daughter: No. My mother and I are VERY, and I repeat VERY against you people taking blood from my father. I know your agenda. **Point points at HO** You people take all these blood to run all your research right?

HO’s mental voice: Omaigawd. You think Einstein meh, die already take the brain out and study study for many many years. Limpeh don’t even have time to feed my cat at home, let alone do research.

HO: Of course not maam. Let me assure you that all patients which come into hospital are NOT research subjects. Even if they are suitable candidates for research, consent will need to be taken from them before anything can be extracted from them.

DD: CONSENSUS? I’M SURE. I’m sure when you people **point point points to random directions in the ward cubicle** run the morning rounds you people have alot of CONSENSUS.

HO’s mental voice: WALAOOO AUNTIE CONSENT LA, MM SI CONSENSUS!!!! EPIC FACEPALM

HO: Err, I meant consent, maam. Written permission from patients to participate in research.

DD: Err. Oh. *Indignant twist of the head a la Auntie Lucy* WHATEVER! You are not taking any bloods from my father. Who gave you permission to stand here and make orders anyway? I didn’t give you permission to treat my father.

HO’s mental voice: Err.. If you didn’t admit your father to be seen by a doctor,you did so so that he could… Play mahjong with the neighbouring patient in bed XX who’s probably quite bored because he’s supposed to be on inpatient IV antibiotics for 2 weeks?

HO: Maam, I’m sure when you admitted Uncle to hospital, you expected some form of medical consult and treatment…

DD: I admitted my father only because he had a fall, okay? **Stops in tracks to caress father’s head** Aiyo papa you so poor thing. I just want to make sure he doesn’t have any HAIRLINE FRACTURE of the pelvis or anything. You know, HAIRLINE FRACTURE?

HO’s mental voice: Wah, she knows hairline fracture, I so scared ah.

HO’s mental voice of reason: No wait. She’s bothered by things like pubic rami fractures which rarely anybody gives a crap about, but she’s totally oblivious to the fact that her father could be running a URTI/UTI/God knows what else is growing inside there, something so rectifiable once identified. Maybe I need to reason out with her, for the sake of the patient.

**HO tries to further clarify the discovery of the fever and confused state of mind to no avail**

DD: Fever? What fever??? *touches patient’s forehead* He has no fever. He looks perfectly fine to me. Hor papa? Le jin hor si boh? [Hokkien: You are really alright, aren’t you?]

Patient: Aa..aaa…….aaa….*muffled, drifts back into subconsciousness**

HO’s mental voice: Tomorrow all the thermometer manufacturers will go bust.

DD: As long as he has no hairline fracture, he’s as good as before he came into hospital.

HO’s mental voice: Excuse me while I go and punch a brick wall/walk into AYE and let a trailer run over me.

Conclusion: As patient’s daughter was told that there was no hairline fracture of the pelvis and femurs as per her concerns, she discharged her father against medical advice. At discharge time, temperature was 38.5C with coarse crepitations in bilateral lung fields and complaints of dysuria the night before, and patient was not oriented to time, place or person.

Lessons learnt:

1. (Reinforced by Endocrine Registrar) When patients (or their families) get verbally abusive (don’t wait until they get PHYSICALLY abusive la, by then too late already!!!), don’t stand there like a dungu and absorb the onslaught. Say “Sorry Sir/Maam, you are being verbally abusive, I can’t communicate with you, I will come back when you have calmed down”, then walk away (hopefully to someplace safe and better still, soundproof). You are a healthcare worker, not a 16th century slave of the coal mines.

2. Tempers will fly in the hospital because the doctors have their stands, the nurses too, the patients too. Sometimes patients and their families are at opposing ends. Expect tempers to fly, sometimes because everybody wants what they think is best for the patient. Just (try) not to be part of the rage.

3. As long as the patient, or the next-of-kin if the patient is incapacitated, is not cuckoo or comatose, anything he/she wants, will be respected as the final decision, even if that decision defies logic, reasoning, time and space equilibrium and continuum.

One year

2010-07-06T00:54:00.001+08:00

How’s it been now, that you’ve moved on?

Do you still think of me, now I’m gone.

I think of you, and I just wonder

Where you are, and what thoughts are racing through your mind.

Oh, who am I to hold you now?

Well I guess that you’re happy now and

Someday I know I will be.

One year ago, who did you have beside you?

Who did you wake up to?

Who would flash you daily smiles

Good company for your tea times?

One year ago, who walked with you?

Along that journey of black and blue?

One year on, hath still around

Else that same person naught be found?

One year back, to whom we cheered?

Are all these people still with us here?

Hath we forget how much succinct

This life we have, slip as we sit!

Before we recall to say goodbyes

Life slips away; creeps through the night.

In moonlit rivers it trickles past

In rapids it endeavours fast

Before I knew what I was here for

Half of my life, already gone.

Letters to Ji

2010-06-16T00:42:00.001+08:00

Ji likes being in the know about what has been happening to people there and then. He’s one of those people who’d call to just say hello, send you a song to cheer you up. He’d not mind soaking a shoulder (i.e his own) to let you cry. That’s what I’ve always liked about Ji.

So today I’ll dust my blog and dedicate a post to him! =D May this post find it’s way to Libya safe and sound to warm the heart of one far away from home.

Dear Ji,

It’s been one month (plus) since I’ve started working. To start with, travelling is a bitch. The other day, I took out an old map and I drew a line from where I lived to Simei St 3. It’s outrageous. It’s preposterous. The line actually divided Singapore into two. If you were here it would be such a blast because we’d hunt for good food for dinner – purportedly, the East is where the food is, right? Unfortunately you are not, and I can only but dream about all the great nomz you’d take us to if you were here.

I was kind of slow in the first few weeks of work. I felt kind of embarrassed because my MO really grew exasperated with me – I can be quite daft at times (err, actually most times). But albeit not being the best – or probably, even remotely near acceptable – I feel myself improving day after day, week after week. I definitely can say I’m better now than I was a month ago. It’s a steep learning curve, but the challenges are exciting. And the feeling when I send a patient home (in one piece and alive) is extremely satisfying. It’s a cheap thrill, yes. But heck, it works for me.

This is my call room. It was redundant on my first night call because I didn’t even have time to sit, let even sleep. I had 20+ admissions, overwhelming by any usual standards (my MO say one). The room is insanely cold, smells funny and somebody’s old toothbrush is lying around. I hope nobody died in there.

Dear Ji,

While waiting for you to bring me back Valrhona chocolate, Max Brenner will have to do. I’ve been meaning to make a trip down to Suntec to get my dose of NAAAAAMA chocolate. When you wanna buy for me? =D

I miss everyone in our old place. That Jessie is still in Europe, that scum. Everyone’s here, there and everywhere. I’ve made a mental note to keep friendships going – meeting up friends, although not regularly, I hope to meet everyone I want to meet =) Everyone says they are busy, but perhaps the only time when we stop being busy is the day we die… I hope we don’t have to wait until then? Because you know la, I might end up in Hell and you guys will be all up there in the other department, you see.

Come back soon and I’ll tell you about my experiences in the prison ward! Until then, keep yourself safe and sound.

phei

亲爱的文佩，最后你还是哭了

2010-05-29T21:06:00.002+08:00

I knew I ‘d been through much worse than this, and I was pretty sure I’d get through without flinching, not even a single bit. Thus life went on, work, home, play, weekends out, lunches and dinner, and the morning jog.

Tonight,I couldn’t stand it anymore. I just broke down and cried.

Why do I keep making the same mistakes – charging forward, armed with nothing but blind courage? Why do people say that we have to fight for what we believe in? Why do I always fall from grace when I fight for the things I believe in?

I hate it when I cry, it renders me defenceless.

I really need a nice yandao to come sayang me now. =(

2010-05-02T19:59:00.001+08:00

Today is a bad day because:

1. I stormed into an exam that I was totally unprepared for (luckily, Prof Tham saved my ass with a short revision).

2. I was supposed to meet the housing agent at Novena Square after my exam. That was 11am. I told her ‘I will loiter around at Novena Square while waiting for you to come’. First time she called me, she went to the TTSH Emergency Department carpark (how she managed to worm herself in there is beyond me). Second time she called me, she was at United Square. Third time she called she was at Square2 near Novena Medical Centre. I was like FOR THE LOVE OF GOD and all the cows grazing in the field and birds flying in the air which part of NOVENA SQUARE do you not understand my girl. I said, ok you stay put where your car is I will walk to whichever part of Novena or Thomson or Balestier you are in, just don’t move. By the time this happened, it was already 2.30pm.

3. The flat is not done yet. I cannot move in.

4.The desk I wanted to buy was out of stock. I managed to find another one which could fit into that tiny space I have in the new place. The only set they have is damaged.

5. Last night somebody in my cluster argued with her boyfriend in the cluster corridor. It was like listening to a Tamil drama peppered with English at volume 120% at 3am in the freaking morning. This went on yadda yadda yadda in the dead of the night and I was so stunned by the sheer audacity of these people who are staying in an RA-inhabited cluster. This is like commiting burglary in the neighbourhood of the Chief Police Commissioner. Don’t ask me why I didn’t open the door and shouted for the insane couple to shut their traps. I was so upset yet fatigued by the nonsense in this cluster that I just cannot be bothered anymore- all I wanted was to quickly fall asleep and wake up at 5.30am the next morning.

6. Everybody I wanted to go out with either were not free, teaching tuition, or preparing for exams.

I tried to make myself feel better by:

1. Getting myself a Magnum Gold?! (yes, the brand name includes the question and exclamation marks)

2. Taking a much deserved 2 hour nap

3. Err, adoring my new (pink!) handbag which cost me only 20 bucks, hoping it will bring me good luck during my housemanship and night calls

4. Going to Harvey Norman and daydreaming about getting a new LCD TV with my coming pay

5. Shutting myself in my room for a quiet moment with myself, my ice cream and my Mafia Wars

Just a bad day. Thought I’d ventilate and give today some closure so I don’t carry forward the unhappiness to tomorrow. =)

Feels unreal.

2010-05-01T22:35:00.001+08:00

These days whenever I close my eyes, lapse to sleep, stare into space, images of people in the past flash past my eyes. The things they said and did and all the times we used to share, sometime ago.

What is happening to me?

The lessons my D&D taught me

2010-04-30T02:19:00.001+08:00

Today I realised how much I miss my friends!

I miss guffawing like buffalos with Weizhen in the student lounge/ward corridors/tutorial rooms/Kopitiam/everywhere. I miss being swanked by 3 Shuai 1 Suai (Weix, Ryan, Ningqi and Raph) during our old CG27 days and relishing in the distinct characters and personalities these people are.I miss shooting the most evil comments at Aaron and not feeling the slightest hint of regret because that’s really how we communicate and get along – it’s a thwarted kind of friendship but in a healthy way. Kenny’s eyes when he says something sarcastic. Wanzhen and Chris and their camwhoring prowess. Suzie and his big bag of nonsense. Weiteen and her cheeky grin that albeit hides a heart filled with wisdom and love.

Looking at the slideshow at the Medicine D&D made me realise how much we’ve all grown up…

And it made me realise how much I’ve changed and been enriched as a person as well…

I came to Singapore 5 years ago with nothing –no friends, no contacts, no network, no understanding of the social landscape, no seniors or counsellor to look after me. I knew no one, and on the first day of orientation in Year 1, I found out that Medicamp was already over and some of the meddies have already built their colleagues and networks…=(

I felt kind of lost and very lonely- totally different from the outgoing, loud, vivacious personality I have been all along. How could it be that JB and Singapore were such geographically, historically, culturally similar places, yet people could be so different? I knew of people who scorned at my Malaysian-accented Mandarin, and in typical Hong Kong drama serial style, I overheard people laughing at me when because I happened to speak Mandarin to a new acquaintance earlier in the day (this despite me being Chinese-illiterate and English/Malay educated) – I learnt the slangs ‘cheena’ , ‘chao mugger’ later in the day. I also learnt of the unspoken factions of the Junior Colleges – mainly the Big Three whose names shall not be mentioned. ;) But it also meant that being a foreigner, I belonged to neither of the factions – in fact I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

But still all was not lost – I still remember my first friend in Medicine was Anna. She was pleasant to talk to, was down to earth and basically a sincere person with a loving heart. Until today, Anna remains one of the people who are close to my heart.

My 5 years in Medicine was straddled with hurdle after hurdle, in many ways and many aspects. It was easily the most difficult period I’ve ever had in my life. Yet from these adversities, it seemed that it was predestined in a way that with every hurdle, God brings me friends to bolster the adversities. With every hurdle, the friend pool gets bigger – until one day I realised that hey! I’m not alone after all.

I remember one Christmas Ryan sent (Snail mail leh! Mai suan siao) a Christmas card. It was the Christmas after I took medical leave of absence. Although at that time it was under rushed and vague circumstances that I went for a break, it was heartwarming to read his words of encouragement, penned with caution, penned with sincerity. I keep it with my old diaries and a birthday card the 7 Girls sent me during my 22nd birthday, and take it out to read it once in a blue moon.

I also remember during one eventful period when Ningqi called and asked, “Do you need to talk?” Wasn’t many words, yet they were simple words pregnant with meaning.

Not to mention the 3 Shuais who tutored me during one #$%& Viva exam (Weixiang cabbed down because he woke up late. lol)

Why am I so keen on organising BBQs year after year (actually 2 years so far only lah)? I don’t claim to be very talented, but I enjoy cooking – I think of food as a labour of love, and thinking about how much the food you prepare will be enjoyed by the people you care for, and knowing how your food will bring people together, really makes all the effort worth every while. My effort is my silent, indirect way of thanking my friends – thank you for taking care of me, thank you for embracing me into your lives and thank you and the memories that made life a more pleasant journey. I have nothing but a little interest for food and baking, and I hope the best I can give you guys can bring a little burst of joy in our busy lives and schedules.

Hey, guess what? After 5 years here, I’m more at ease with myself now. I take pride in my identity, I am comfortable with myself and I live by the benchmarks that I’ve set for my life – be sincere, love unconditionally and harm no one. May I be granted strength and wisdom to live a meaningful life as such.

Who cares if I speak with a Malaysian accent? LOL. If Malaysians don’t speak with Malaysian accents, who will? I take pride in my accent actually. Proof of my heritage and unique identity! =) And I don’t care you have an issue with the 3 languages and 3 dialects I speak. In fact, it has come in handy in my work! Btw, girl overheard laughing at my Mandarin in the toilet? Well in year 4 I overheard her attempting to clerk a patient in Mandarin and it was disastrous. I hope she’s more communicable now. =)

I will smile at you if I see you at the corridors and walkways, even if you don’t smile back. I will offer you my friendship although you are not accepting. Life is short. There is no time to be calculative anymore. Today, after 5 years since I set foot on this soil, I can strike a conversation with almost everyone in my batch with ease. I think my life principles are serving me well. It’s the art of striking a fine balance between caring about the things you can control, and setting aside those you can’t. I have grown much as a person. But most of all, I am now comfortable and at ease. It is probably the most rewarding feeling one can have when waking up in the morning, every day.

This has been a long journey. Thank you for walking it with me.

When one closes, another opens.

2010-04-28T02:21:00.002+08:00

Examinations
MBBS came like a tornado, sent all of our lives in haywire, and left a trail of destruction, and a short period of tranquil calm.

Falling sick during period(s) of extreme stress. You name it, I’ve had it. But luckily enough, I’ve managed to stay alive and have not lost life or limb. Haha. Hyperbole.

Part of the insane mess I created while mugging for the exams… How can one be organised when studying for Medicine, Surgery, Orthopaedics, Paediatrics, Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Neonatology, Psychiatry in 1 month?

The monofilament everybody scrambled to buy 1 month prior to MBBS (got mine in year 4 thanks to the resourceful, always ahead Raphael) but dunno how many people ended up using, anyway. Oh well, one of those things you know you’ll probably not use, but buy all the same to get your bases covered. The same way all of us die-die-also-must-buy Kumar & Clark and Bailey & Love.

Greetings from Taiwan! Sieyen so sweetly was thinking of us, even though she’s an ocean away. Wishes and love came in the form of snail mail and a train ticket that happens to have the words ‘success’ on it.

Home and family
Immediately after the MBBS, I had the opportunity to go back to Sg Lembing for Qing Ming. It was a good short trip because everybody (all of Popo’s children) went back this year – not to mention Aunt Ken’s fantastic fried pork in sour sauce. Oooh. Gastrorgasmic pleasure.

I love how Mummy’s family is so tightly knit, not to mention such colourful personalities my uncles and aunts are. Aunt Ken’s rapturous laughter and the way she rubs her back on the wall to alleviate an itch (wtf!), the way Grampa would shoot a line in English or Japanese once in a blue moon to make our jaws drop to the ground, and Uncle Wonwon (he hates this nickname) who’s such a TV addict he brought the remote control out in his pocket when he went out for errands, thinking it was his phone. Epic LOL.

An old bicycle frame perched on the side of Grampa’s neighbour’s house, a Hainanese old gentleman who used to be a bicycle repairman. I think he should be in his mid-70s and probably not repairing bikes anymore, but I suppose he keeps his stuff lying around for old times’ sake.

In fact, he converted the little lane between his house and ours into his little storage space – more bicycle frames, wooden ladders, metal parts, gears and the like. When I was a little girl, I was not tall enough to look beyond the door to see what was in that lane. It always remained somewhat of a mystery to me – and it made my imagination go bonkers. Now that I’m tall enough to look beyond the door, I know better. =)

Grampa relaxing one korner. Haha so smartly dressed at home dunno for what LOL.

Returning to the city and resuming life in the fast lane
Holidays did not last long. Soon enough it was time to return to the harsh reality we all call the housemanship. Endless briefings, orientations, trainings, red tape and administrative horrors (do NOT get me started on this)…
Anyway boring stuff are not meant for repeating. Lemme show you some cool stuff and freebies I got from the briefings:

Look! It’s a 2GB Lego-like thumb drive courtesy of NUHS! They were available in doctors or surgeons, I obviously chose the former. =P

However, I did find it a bit disturbing how you had to behead the doctor to use the thumbdrive. :S Hope the beheading part doesn’t happen in real life.

SMA shirt – Apparently the guys were supposed to get a necktie and a shirt, while the girls, a toiletry bag. But by the time I got there, they ran out of bags and offered me a shirt instead – all the better! =D

Also got a myriad of alcohol handrubs, pens (I LOVE PENS! BECAUSE I’M GREAT AT LOSING THEM), urea creams, analgesics, eye drops, toothpaste *cue Systema jingle*, vitamin supplements and a host of things I don’t know if I’ll ever use. Elian, you may inherit some of them if you want to. LOL.

Shifting house is a bitch
Pretty much self-explanatory. Right now my box count is at 17 and I’m only 60% done with packing. I dropped my Kumar & Clark on my left 4th toe and there’s a small bruise there now. But oh, how intense agony little things bring! =(

I’ve decided to spare Isaac the pain of helping me shift house (he’s such a dear to offer help without being asked! Brownie points +++++ ) by getting movers to come in – well, if money needs to be spent, it has to be spent. Oh well.

Was on MSN with Liwei and found out I live in the same vicinity as him, Kenny and Ronnie! He proposed the idea of la kopi one fine day when the opportunity arises. I quipped opportunities will come if we create them. =) Really looking forward to that!

My days start at 7.30am and end at 6pm if I’m lucky. Tomorrow (well, technically today) I have to be in TTSH for briefings, Psychiatry Residency at 6pm at SGH; and I have to collect keys from the landlord and run the inventory list at 9.30pm. After paying for the deposit, rent and miscellaneous fees tomorrow, I’ll be as good as broke. I will have to scrape through my existence until payday on May 15th. I suppose I can survive on rice and water for 11 days ba.

So that’s how life has been for the past few weeks leading to and after MBBS. Thanks everyone for asking. I miss you all and will meet up with you all soon after I settle into my job and, basically, life. =)

xoxo.

I passed my exams!!! =D

2010-04-23T00:30:00.000+08:00

Now let me settle in before I start to update this blog again! =)

The food episode.

2010-04-08T08:52:00.001+08:00

As above.

Baking spree whee!!

I think I must have gone off my rockers – baking 3 cakes and a batch of cookies in a night. MBBS does funny things to people.

Chocolate cake! I am suddenly reminded of the ‘Chocorape cake! Aaaaah!” line in Detroit Metal City. Ahahahahahaha.

Made coconut cake with lemon cream too! Here’s a photo of a grated lemon.No pictures of the cake though cause I think my icing kinda sucked. lol.

Cookies in the oven!

OK I was totally in blogging mode 10 minutes ago, but somehow my attention is waning. I think I need to get some sleep.

2010-03-31T01:43:00.000+08:00

It's good to have some girl talk periodically.

DD said something that struck me hard:

"People take you for granted."

I really don't know anymore. What I do know is that it hurts to be hurt by the same thing repeatedly.

Am I too forgiving? Or am I too conceited?

"Sometimes, some things can be forgiven, but not forgotten," DD says again.

I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. I'm sad.

Hummingbird

2010-03-27T00:16:00.001+08:00

Today when NB left for work after watching me overnight, I lay in bed, curled up from the abdominal pain. A hummingbird flew past my window several times, and perched on the window still, for a good couple of seconds.

婆婆, was that you? Did you come to say hello?

Jessie is an avid reader, and stories about young kids.

2010-03-24T20:42:00.002+08:00

I was reading up on Paediatrics today, and my mind drifted to an incident that happened about 2 years ago.

*****************

KK Women and Children’s Hospital. I remember going the old KKH with my parents at the birth of a cousin many years back, before it moved to the current premises. Today I roam the wards in the spanking new KKH, a heartbeat away from the shopping arcades in Orchard, Bugis and Novena.

KKH is the epitome of the modern, integrated hospital I suspect most healthcare institutions here are aspiring to be. Walking along the aisles of the main lobby, the aroma of Delifrance greets you, parents with kids in tow munch on fries in McDonalds. You can get your newborn baby’s imprints plated for a fee, together with his first photo; and if you’d like, costume jewellery and bags and funky body-hugging shirts are for sale in a ladies’ wear store. It fascinates me; yet it scares me a little – sometimes it feels too commercialised and plastic.

I was walking alone, heading to my locker to call it a day. Walked through the wards with my trusty paediatric kit (a.k.a bag of tricks) via shortcuts and barely known lanes. For the Holland Queen I am, I do have a way with shortcuts – quite a paradoxical (and unbelievable) skill if you ask me. Even my SIP houseman was amazed.

There was this child, probably 2 years old (give and take a month or two, if my developmental assessment skills are to be trusted). A young, scrawny boy, with wide, wide eyes as if he just saw Shrek, except that his eyes were perpetually like that. He was starting to climb the bed rails of his cot. I was alarmed. I quickened my path and briskly walked to his bed, and manoeuvred the child away from the rails. The rails were designed to stop children from climbing or getting out; however nothing stops an inquisitive child without a roving eye for mischief. I thought I’d better play safe than sorry.

The child began to fidget angrily and cried. He kicked me in the stomach (several times). I dropped my paeds kit and carried the child out and placated him; his disdain soon turned into clinginess, and hugged me very tight. A tight fist formed with parts of my white coat in it; I silently said my thanks because the week was ending and laundry day was tomorrow.
The medical student radar went off! Aha! Can do developmental assessment on this kid! But then it was 6pm, I was tired and hungry, he was tired and asleep.

Seeing that this child had calmed down (a sleeping child is obviously, a calm one), I placed him gently into his cot. Almost immediately he got up, started crying at the top of his lungs. A fat kid in an arm cast opposite his cot stared at me as if I was a murderer.

I carried the child again, and with immediate effect, the child gurgled a little and stopped crying. He played with the tendon tapper peeping out of my pocket. I placed him back into the cot. He yelped. I carried him again. He stopped short of breaking out into a Russian Opera chorus.
This went on for several cycles.

I then realised the child wanted to be carried. Intuitively, I felt this wanting was abnormal; it was too clingy, too desperate and too ferocious for a two-year old child to do that.

And what’s that enormous bruise on his loin and funny burn marks on his buttock about?
I decided to study this patient and referred to the inpatient notes.

Apparently, this child was born to unwed parents and subsequently taken care of by his maternal grandmother, then by his mother, then passed from one relative to another. Once in a while, the father would appear and bring the kid out to play.

Time passes by, and mummy gets a boyfriend (not the biological father of the child). Boyfriend would, similarly, participate in babysitting. Nobody suspects anything. Everything’s fine and dandy. Mother rarely takes care of the child anyway, and grandma does most of the work. But grandma is 70 years old, very diabetic and very unwell (poor eyesight, needs walking aid, all florid complications of diabetes)

And this child is now admitted for developmental delay and cigarette burn marks on his butt.

He’s a little over two years, yet he can’t say mama and papa. When he wants something, he fiercely verbalises ‘aaaah! aaaah!’ and points to whatever he wants. He can’t really walk; he moves around by pushing his butt against the ground.

Whenever he sees a lighter or a pack of Dunhill or Gudang Garam, he freezes and wails in fear. Obviously, something is very wrong here.

I felt sad and angry. It puzzles me how people can bring themselves to hurt helpless beings like children. They can’t fend for themselves, are uncorrupted by the pragmatisms of the real world, but yet……?

I can’t take it when people abuse kids. I really can’t. It’s repulsive to even think about it. I know I’ll be seeing more as a doctor in future, yet I find it difficult to stomach.

It was ten minutes to 8pm. I don’t know how much I did for the kid, but I hope it helped. He was still wailing when I left the ward.

He only wanted to be hugged.

He only wanted to be hugged.

For all the adults who could provide for him in his little life, all he asked for was to be hugged.

DERCUM’S DISEASE! Yes! That was the bloody thing that refused to come out from my mouth during exams.

2010-03-24T02:10:00.001+08:00

5.20am

Haaaaih wake up so early go Changi (General Hospital) dunno for whaaaat.

Must makeup abit, cannot look sicker than the patient. Yet must look decent. Must blush but cannot look like monkey’s bottom. Must lipstick but cannot look like hooker. Must define eyes yet cannot look like Cleopatra.Why aren’t guys put through the same nonsense? (OK in all fairness, maybe their equivalent is the necktie and the long sleeve/short sleeve/folded 3/4 sleeve/no sleeve.)

6.30am

Leave PGP and proceed to pick Wanzhen up along the way.

7.00am

Reach CGH twenty-two dollars poorer.

7.15am

Yikang and Chew ferociously rattle off some funny condition I have barely heard about. Chose to have selective hearing loss thereafter. My own protective mechanism.

7.30am

Lift full of medical students. If the lift breaks down, we will all break into tears.

8.40am

Long case starts. Had this 58-year old Malay gentleman who spoke perfect English. However, dropped a few Malay words here and there. He warmed up. Patient rapport win. YAY. Brownie points.

10.00am

WAHLAO. They didn’t list me as vegetarian, and listed Kevin (name below mine) as vegetarian instead. Either way, it didn’t matter because they didn’t prepare vegetarian food anyway. HUNGRY LEH WEII.

11.10am

4 short cases. Fried. Don’t want to talk about it. Pui~

2.30pm

YAYY NOBODY IN VIVA LIST!

*sigh of intense relief*

3.30pm

CHOWDER! At long last! I deserve it after having a long day of gruelling, intense exams. Made my own! First time doing so. This shall be my lunch, dinner and supper. =)

6.30pm

Went IT Flair look look see see and act cute!

9.20pm

Met Pearl Ning (Pearl Ning; friend’s name. As opposed to pening, giddy in Malay.) in McD! SO happy~! Gave her a hug but my teeth struck her shoulder.

I shall abruptly end here because…Wah buay tahan lah…I’m very sleepy already.

Tomorrow will come today.

2010-03-22T14:05:00.001+08:00

Footnote: If medicine is supposed to make you feel better, then why am I vomiting so wretchedly every night? I’ve never been made to feel any worse than this. It’s so painful but I can’t describe it. I don’t even want to be reminded of it. But it so faithfully comes everyday.

******

Tomorrow’s the surgery part of the clinical exams.

As they say, the MBBS is JUST starting. Reading the first-hand accounts of people who have already gone for the exams in NUH et al totally isn’t helping. Shall stop reading. Need to relax and breathe. Breathe.

Oh man, getting to CGH tomorrow at 7.30am is a bitch. I wish I could fly.

******

I’ve been drowning in so much fear, anxiety and worry that I’ve actually reached a state of surrealism. Everything’s numbed. You’ve still afraid, but the emotions just flatten out.

*As we speak here, another MBBS account enters my inbox! Damn it, people! Cortisol is leaking from my ears already!*

******

Wasn’t planning blog on Ji, but I think he secretly wants to be featured.

Anyway he’s coming back soon, and I expect my tiramisu to reach my doorstep anytime. Yay! One of life’s little pleasures. Tiramisu, bruschetta, fruit cakes, 4-courses dinners lalala… :D

Arh. OK. Going to study ortho now.

Keeping ungodly hours.

2010-03-21T11:18:00.001+08:00

Life’s pretty mundane at this point in time. I’m getting fat from studying and not moving my ass. The only exercise I do is laundry. MBBS better end soon or my arteries will choke. My running shoes need airing. And I NEED TO BAKE BADLY.

Been mugging Surgery since 7am. Need to blog. Need to think about something other than Gleason score for 15 minutes.

Anyway.

San Remo has this awesome range of 8-minute pastas. I don’t know how new is it, but it’s the only reason I’m enthusiastic about cooking (I don’t cook during exam periods).

Take the Carbonara, for example.

All I need to do is grab some bacon (cue Ningqi grumbling about carcinogens), broccoli (aha! I earn brownie points from Granny Ningqi) and a dash of milk, chuck everything into the microwave oven, wave-wave 一下 and walla! I can charge people SGD15.90 at Munchy Monkeys. :P

8 minutes! Yayyyy. No more eating cured vegetables and meat from the Beijing stall at the canteen.

Darn. I’m hungry.

I ran out of Carbonara.

fml.

Yep, still alive, but hardly kickin’

2010-03-20T14:53:00.001+08:00

Last night I went out to Clementi for supper with NB. I figured at the rate I was holing up in my room and mugging, I’d rip the pages off my books, eat them and go crazy in no time. Anyway, Clementi was just 15 minutes away, and I figured I needed the air.

After Mos Burger and the very watered-down clam chowder (extremely dissatisfying), we headed down to NTUC to buy some groceries. I got San Remo carbonara and Nissin noodles. Yep. It comes to a point where you’d rather have processed food, than the food in the canteen. That you eat everyday. Three times a day. That’s sick.

NB banned me from buying luncheon meat because he said canned food was unhealthy. I said ~~f*** you immagonna eat anything imma please!~~ I really like luncheon meat, and besides, I only eat it once in a blue moon.

Anyway, I relented and bought bean sprouts instead. Only because I secretly knew I had a can of Spam in my drawer in PGP.

So this morning I made myself Nissin noodles with a generous serving of bean sprouts (I love them). I sliced the luncheon and pan fried them at the same time.

Ang mohs really suck at luncheon meat – salty, boggy and soggy, and the colour of dusky dead meat (well, undoubtedly, technically it is). For all the preservatives, carcinogens and tricyclic hydrocarbons I am prepared to eat in exchange for satisfying my craving, at least they should have the decency to dye the meat a healthy pink. That’s why I prefer the cheena types like Ma Ling or Narcissus.

I feel like making my own clam chowder.

Darn.

情爱的婆婆

2010-03-16T19:23:00.003+08:00

Dear Popo,

I remember it was 2am at night in Kuantan Specialist Hospital, and you were in the ICU. I was in Lower 6 then. You were emaciated, yet your eyes seemed to know whenever someone entered the room.

I said to you, don’t worry Popo, I’m gonna work damn hard and get into medical school, as always planned, as always wished. You cried. I cried. I held your hand. You weakly grasped back.

One year later, during Qing Ming, at your grave: Under my breath, I muttered a secret to you- that I’ve been accepted into medical school.

Dear Popo, these are trying times. Sometimes I think about it, and feel like a wussy compared to the great things you’ve done in your time, the selfless things you’ve done, the rough patches you’ve silently swallowed down your throat.
Dear Popo, if you are up there, and you are reading, please watch over 佩佩.

Angsty day

2010-03-15T14:01:00.001+08:00

Seriously running out of steam with all these papers going on.

Nights have been unforgiving – sleeping too little, sleeping too much, sleep-wake reversal and retching. Going to get oesophageal rupture at this rate I’m going.

I really. Desperately. Need to bake something. ANYTHING.

***

Thinking about people and how they never learn their lesson, and never change… How much we can sigh and rant? They disappoint, they don’t change, they say sorry then they go on and make the same mistake again…

Suddenly reminded of a funny phrase Weizhen loves to use.."Say sorry got use, no need police already…” It’s kind of amusing when she says that, but the underlying meaning does have some depth to it.

People like to say sorry, yet they are do not feel sorry… They do not appreciate the meaning of being sorry… Saying sorry seems to relinquish responsibility of their mistakes… And therefore the vicious cycle goes on.

Say sorry got use no need police already… Quite true…

***

Sometimes we ask for small things in life.. But small things in life can be hard to attain…

Hope I get it…

***

Last night Mummy smsed…

“Go to sleep, don’t overwork yourself”

Sigh, I’m not NOT sleeping.. I’m sleeping at inappropriate times…

What is wrong with me, momma.

Feeling lousy

2010-03-14T20:15:00.002+08:00

Having a fml moment.

It must be the Khong Guan biscuits

2010-03-13T16:36:00.001+08:00

Yeah, I figured I’d strike off the date with another colour cause you guys would have gotten bored of grey by now.

In bed with this colicky abdominal pain (laymen: want to pangsai that kind of stomach ache) at the moment. Will start to mug for Medicine essays right after this.

Mugging is unhealthy. Stopped running, almost stopped walking if not for the fact that I have to walk downstairs to get dinner.

Gosh, gosh, gosh, what a toll in form and figure.

Changed the blogskin because it didn’t display properly with Firefox 3.6. No worries, it took me less than 10 minutes to fix it. .xml is such a godsend.

Once in a while I’d be thinking of all the things I’d really want to do after I’m done with the exams… Like baking all the recipes I’ve been accumulating. Baking is so much a natural adrenaline and serotonin high for me.

And BBQ for my awesome friends. And going home.

Pass MBBS first, then say.

Cool, cool, keep cool. Now go study.

Before I go, I want to dedicate a photo to Ji:

Wish you were here.

List of wishes and wants, and idiosyncrasies of the examination period

2010-03-13T00:01:00.001+08:00

May I be granted the humility of a benevolent doctor

May I be granted peace of mind to weather this period of immense stress

May I be granted the memory of my knowledge, however limited and sparse

May I be granted good health, of which I am lacking

May I remember appreciating my loved ones although my mind is on these trying times

May I have a lucky shamrock in my pocket wherever I go

May my pen ink up medicines that are safe and reliable

May I be strong, Lord, may I be strong

11 - 3

2010-03-11T14:18:00.001+08:00

11 - 2

2010-03-10T18:14:00.001+08:00

Haih chui.

11 - 1

2010-03-09T15:40:00.001+08:00

Nights

2010-03-03T12:17:00.001+08:00

Why do you make me make a choice that leads to no choices?

想问天你在那里
我想问问我自己
一开始我聪明结束我聪明
聪明的几乎的毁掉了我自己
想问天问大地
或著是迷信问问宿命
放弃所有抛下所有
让我飘流在安静的夜夜空里
你也不必牵强再说爱我
反正我的灵魂已片片凋落
慢慢的拼凑慢慢的拼凑
拼凑成一个完全不属於真正的我
你也不必牵强再说爱我
反正我的灵魂已片片凋落
慢慢的拼凑慢慢的拼凑
拼凑成一个完全不属於真正的我
想问天问大地
或著是迷信问问宿命
放弃所有抛下所有
让我飘流在安静的夜夜空里
你也不必牵强再说爱我
反正我的灵魂已片片凋落
慢慢的拼凑慢慢的拼凑
拼凑成一个完全不属於真正的我
你也不必牵强再说爱我
反正我的灵魂已片片凋落
慢慢的拼凑慢慢的拼凑
拼凑成一个完全不属於真正的我
你也不必牵强再说爱我
反正我的灵魂已片片凋落
慢慢的拼凑慢慢的拼凑
拼凑成一个完全不属於真正的我
我不愿再放纵
我不愿每天每夜每秒飘流
也不愿再多问再多说再多求我的梦
我不愿再放纵
我不愿每天每夜每秒飘流
也不愿再多问再多说再多求
我的梦

Why am I angry?

2010-02-27T12:34:00.001+08:00

I don’t know.

My heart softened when I saw you so.

Maybe because when I needed you most, you were not there; and maybe I expected more than I should from you.

Maybe you shouldn’t be faulted. Maybe it’s just the way you are.

But maybe, just maybe, maybe if you could pick up signs better then, things wouldn’t have come to today.

If only back then, you cared a little more.

Assurance

2010-02-27T00:33:00.001+08:00

I did not do wrong.

I did what I had to do to protect myself. I did what I had to do, for my own personal space and time. Moments to reflect, moments to think. To think.

I stopped in my tracks, because I had the maturity to deal with things that had to be dealt with.

I can’t help it if other people can’t deal with it. What matters most is I know what I’m doing.

It’s OK, I fell; I’ll get up again. E said with a glint in his eye: Fell? I think you just tripped.

I hope he’s right.

Answers for the people who have been searching for [me]

2010-02-25T00:38:00.001+08:00

Where are you?

Where is this self that evades you?

I am not in the trees, nor am I in the breeze.

I will not be there when you look for me.

You may search and find, I will not be there,

I am in the air, and everywhere.

Search not, child, cry not my name.

You will not find me, yet this ain’t a game.

In blizzards storms that blind the eye

I will be that sheltering pine.

In scorching suns where there’s no rain

I am that oasis in your veins.

Autumn blows a sigh of clouds,

I am that leaf across your path.

Oh child I will find you, but find not me

But bear in mind that I love thee.

What else is there left to say?

Loved you much, so many ways.

Yet child you will see my face

One day, soon; but not today.

I love you child, I always will.

Will you love me the same way too?

12 days to MBBS

2010-02-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

Part 1: The Poetry of John Keats - I Stood Tip-toe Upon a Little Hill

How apt the writings of John Keats, what fine summation of my thoughts hence.

I stood tip-toe upon a little hill,
The air was cooling, and so very still.
That the sweet buds which with a modest pride
Pull droopingly, in slanting curve aside,
Their scantly leaved, and finely tapering stems,
Had not yet lost those starry diadems
Caught from the early sobbing of the morn.
The clouds were pure and white as flocks new shorn,
And fresh from the clear brook; sweetly they slept
On the blue fields of heaven, and then there crept
A little noiseless noise among the leaves,
Born of the very sigh that silence heaves:
For not the faintest motion could be seen
Of all the shades that slanted o'er the green.
There was wide wand'ring for the greediest eye,
To peer about upon variety;
Far round the horizon's crystal air to skim,
And trace the dwindled edgings of its brim;
To picture out the quaint, and curious bending
Of a fresh woodland alley, never ending;
Or by the bowery clefts, and leafy shelves,
Guess were the jaunty streams refresh themselves.
I gazed awhile, and felt as light, and free
As though the fanning wings of Mercury
Had played upon my heels: I was light-hearted,
And many pleasures to my vision started;
So I straightway began to pluck a posey
Of luxuries bright, milky, soft and rosy.

A bush of May flowers with the bees about them;
Ah, sure no tasteful nook would be without them;
And let a lush laburnum oversweep them,
And let long grass grow round the roots to keep them
Moist, cool and green; and shade the violets,
That they may bind the moss in leafy nets.

A filbert hedge with wild briar overtwined,
And clumps of woodbine taking the soft wind
Upon their summer thrones; there too should be
The frequent chequer of a youngling tree,
That with a score of light green brethen shoots
From the quaint mossiness of aged roots:
Round which is heard a spring-head of clear waters
Babbling so wildly of its lovely daughters
The spreading blue bells: it may haply mourn
That such fair clusters should be rudely torn
From their fresh beds, and scattered thoughtlessly
By infant hands, left on the path to die.

Open afresh your round of starry folds,
Ye ardent marigolds!
Dry up the moisture from your golden lids,
For great Apollo bids
That in these days your praises should be sung
On many harps, which he has lately strung;
And when again your dewiness he kisses,
Tell him, I have you in my world of blisses:
So haply when I rove in some far vale,
His mighty voice may come upon the gale.

Here are sweet peas, on tip-toe for a flight:
With wings of gentle flush o'er delicate white,
And taper fulgent catching at all things,
To bind them all about with tiny rings.

Linger awhile upon some bending planks
That lean against a streamlet's rushy banks,
And watch intently Nature's gentle doings:
They will be found softer than ring-dove's cooings.
How silent comes the water round that bend;
Not the minutest whisper does it send
To the o'erhanging sallows: blades of grass
Slowly across the chequer'd shadows pass.
Why, you might read two sonnets, ere they reach
To where the hurrying freshnesses aye preach
A natural sermon o'er their pebbly beds;
Where swarms of minnows show their little heads,
Staying their wavy bodies 'gainst the streams,
To taste the luxury of sunny beams
Temper'd with coolness. How they ever wrestle
With their own sweet delight, and ever nestle
Their silver bellies on the pebbly sand.
If you but scantily hold out the hand,
That very instant not one will remain;
But turn your eye, and they are there again.
The ripples seem right glad to reach those cresses,
And cool themselves among the em'rald tresses;
The while they cool themselves, they freshness give,
And moisture, that the bowery green may live:
So keeping up an interchange of favours,
Like good men in the truth of their behaviours
Sometimes goldfinches one by one will drop
From low hung branches; little space they stop;
But sip, and twitter, and their feathers sleek;
Then off at once, as in a wanton freak:
Or perhaps, to show their black, and golden wings,
Pausing upon their yellow flutterings.
Were I in such a place, I sure should pray
That nought less sweet, might call my thoughts away,
Than the soft rustle of a maiden's gown
Fanning away the dandelion's down;
Than the light music of her nimble toes
Patting against the sorrel as she goes.
How she would start, and blush, thus to be caught
Playing in all her innocence of thought.
O let me lead her gently o'er the brook,
Watch her half-smiling lips, and downward look;
O let me for one moment touch her wrist;
Let me one moment to her breathing list;
And as she leaves me may she often turn
Her fair eyes looking through her locks auburne.
What next? A tuft of evening primroses,
O'er which the mind may hover till it dozes;
O'er which it well might take a pleasant sleep,
But that 'tis ever startled by the leap
Of buds into ripe flowers; or by the flitting
Of diverse moths, that aye their rest are quitting;
Or by the moon lifting her silver rim
Above a cloud, and with a gradual swim
Coming into the blue with all her light.
O Maker of sweet poets, dear delight
Of this fair world, and all its gentle livers;
Spangler of clouds, halo of crystal rivers,
Mingler with leaves, and dew and tumbling streams,
Closer of lovely eyes to lovely dreams,
Lover of loneliness, and wandering,
Of upcast eye, and tender pondering!
Thee must I praise above all other glories
That smile us on to tell delightful stories.
For what has made the sage or poet write
But the fair paradise of Nature's light?
In the calm grandeur of a sober line,
We see the waving of the mountain pine;
And when a tale is beautifully staid,
We feel the safety of a hawthorn glade:
When it is moving on luxurious wings,
The soul is lost in pleasant smotherings:
Fair dewy roses brush against our faces,
And flowering laurels spring from diamond vases;
O'er head we see the jasmine and sweet briar,
And bloomy grapes laughing from green attire;
While at our feet, the voice of crystal bubbles
Charms us at once away from all our troubles:
So that we feel uplifted from the world,
Walking upon the white clouds wreath'd and curl'd.
So felt he, who first told, how Psyche went
On the smooth wind to realms of wonderment;
What Psyche felt, and Love, when their full lips
First touch'd; what amorous, and fondling nips
They gave each other's cheeks; with all their sighs,
And how they kist each other's tremulous eyes:
The silver lamp,--the ravishment,--the wonder--
The darkness,--loneliness,--the fearful thunder;
Their woes gone by, and both to heaven upflown,
To bow for gratitude before Jove's throne.
So did he feel, who pull'd the boughs aside,
That we might look into a forest wide,
To catch a glimpse of Fawns, and Dryades
Coming with softest rustle through the trees;
And garlands woven of flowers wild, and sweet,
Upheld on ivory wrists, or sporting feet:
Telling us how fair, trembling Syrinx fled
Arcadian Pan, with such a fearful dread.
Poor nymph,--poor Pan,--how he did weep to find,
Nought but a lovely sighing of the wind
Along the reedy stream; a half heard strain,
Full of sweet desolation--balmy pain.

What first inspired a bard of old to sing
Narcissus pining o'er the untainted spring?
In some delicious ramble, he had found
A little space, with boughs all woven round;
And in the midst of all, a clearer pool
Than e'er reflected in its pleasant cool,
The blue sky here, and there, serenely peeping
Through tendril wreaths fantastically creeping.
And on the bank a lonely flower he spied,
A meek and forlorn flower, with naught of pride,
Drooping its beauty o'er the watery clearness,
To woo its own sad image into nearness:
Deaf to light Zephyrus it would not move;
But still would seem to droop, to pine, to love.
So while the Poet stood in this sweet spot,
Some fainter gleamings o'er his fancy shot;
Nor was it long ere he had told the tale
Of young Narcissus, and sad Echo's bale.

Where had he been, from whose warm head out-flew
That sweetest of all songs, that ever new,
That aye refreshing, pure deliciousness,
Coming ever to bless
The wanderer by moonlight? to him bringing
Shapes from the invisible world, unearthly singing
From out the middle air, from flowery nests,
And from the pillowy silkiness that rests
Full in the speculation of the stars.
Ah! surely he had burst our mortal bars;
Into some wond'rous region he had gone,
To search for thee, divine Endymion!

He was a Poet, sure a lover too,
Who stood on Latmus' top, what time there blew
Soft breezes from the myrtle vale below;
And brought in faintness solemn, sweet, and slow
A hymn from Dian's temple; while upswelling,
The incense went to her own starry dwelling.
But though her face was clear as infant's eyes,
Though she stood smiling o'er the sacrifice,
The Poet wept at her so piteous fate,
Wept that such beauty should be desolate:
So in fine wrath some golden sounds he won,
And gave meek Cynthia her Endymion.

Queen of the wide air; thou most lovely queen
Of all the brightness that mine eyes have seen!
As thou exceedest all things in thy shine,
So every tale, does this sweet tale of thine.
O for three words of honey, that I might
Tell but one wonder of thy bridal night!

Where distant ships do seem to show their keels,
Phoebus awhile delayed his mighty wheels,
And turned to smile upon thy bashful eyes,
Ere he his unseen pomp would solemnize.
The evening weather was so bright, and clear,
That men of health were of unusual cheer;
Stepping like Homer at the trumpet's call,
Or young Apollo on the pedestal:
And lovely women were as fair and warm,
As Venus looking sideways in alarm.
The breezes were ethereal, and pure,
And crept through half closed lattices to cure
The languid sick; it cool'd their fever'd sleep,
And soothed them into slumbers full and deep.
Soon they awoke clear eyed: nor burnt with thirsting,
Nor with hot fingers, nor with temples bursting:
And springing up, they met the wond'ring sight
Of their dear friends, nigh foolish with delight;
Who feel their arms, and breasts, and kiss and stare,
And on their placid foreheads part the hair.
Young men, and maidens at each other gaz'd
With hands held back, and motionless, amaz'd
To see the brightness in each others' eyes;
And so they stood, fill'd with a sweet surprise,
Until their tongues were loos'd in poesy.
Therefore no lover did of anguish die:
But the soft numbers, in that moment spoken,
Made silken ties, that never may be broken.
Cynthia! I cannot tell the greater blisses,
That follow'd thine, and thy dear shepherd's kisses:
Was there a Poet born?--but now no more,
My wand'ring spirit must no further soar.

Analysis

When will I be

2009-11-30T20:26:00.001+08:00

That phoenix?

Broken, but not fallen.

Sad to say but the photographs show it.

2009-11-22T13:21:00.002+08:00

That I am but no longer part of your lives.

Sometimes we drop out of life, to do things we do not like to do, but have to do. And somewhere in between you lose some things. It's inevitable. It's cruel. But that's life.

20 years

2009-11-21T12:31:00.000+08:00

Ryan, Ningqi, Weixiang,

20 years from now, I wonder if we will still remember sitting in KFC, chomping down on cheap student meals;discussing about how we planned our paths for specialisation, and where it has taken us since then.

Religion ≠ Benevolence

2009-11-15T01:57:00.001+08:00

Do you commit good deeds because it’s the right thing to do, or because your God tells you to?

If you quote verses from your Holy scripts, does that make you a good person?

If you do good in the name of God, do you really believe in what you are doing, or are you parroting what your religion supposedly propagates?

So if a person sings hymns,

Praises the Lord on Facebook, MSN, Twitter, Myspace, Plurk,

Goes for religious service on designated days,

Yet does not practice loyalty, sees only himself, chickens out when he is needed by his loved ones,

Will God forgive him? Or will he go straight to Hell?

I hope he goes to Hell.

Entrapment

2009-11-01T19:35:00.001+08:00

There is a wish to move out of this wretched place.

Catch 22

2009-10-31T13:27:00.001+08:00

When you lie to cover up your tracks, you’re a liar.

When you tell the truth, you are stigmatised.

Anger.

It’s a dangerous thing.

Anger turned outwards is aggression.

Anger turned inwards is depression.

People disappoint

2009-10-28T19:10:00.001+08:00

Panadol and codeine is the best way to sleep these nights.

Mungkin aku harus diajar sekali lagi agar tidak menaruh harapan yang terlalu tinggi terhadap sesetengah orang.

Persahabatan? Apakah persahabatan? Dikala engkau paling diperlukan, engkau tiada. Sudahlah, jika tidak mahu disini tiada siapa yang memaksa.

“Aku akan di sini sekiranya engkau perlu”… Not everybody means it. Luckily most do, but the people who matter the most don’t – kini dalam proses agar tidak mengendahkan tabiat orang yang mungkir kata.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for a while”

“I was busy with wtf”

“Anyway what’s wrong”

Take your insincere lying ass somewhere else.

Lies.

I hate you.

When A Child Questions Faith

2009-10-19T22:01:00.001+08:00

God, do you ever watch over me.

People and books all say you do.

Sometimes I think it isn’t true.

Where were You when the damned jabs hurt?

They said You’d come if I’d pray.

Yet the pain stayed not away.

When the glass panes broke and tempers flew

Where were You, if You’d be true?

I never knew.

Where were You when the pills don’t work?

When evil pain brought me to my knees

I’d wish You’d come, oh dear God, please.

Where were You when I was alone?

You said you’d come and take my hand.

My hands were bare. You lied again.

God I thought that I was your child.

If You don’t want me safe and sound

At least convince me that You’re around.

And still I’m groping in the dark

I’ve fallen down, and grazed my knees

God where will You be

It takes very little.

2009-10-06T00:38:00.001+08:00

Sometimes it takes very little to comfort an aching heart.

Yellow Gerbera Daisy

2009-10-05T23:57:00.001+08:00

Pardon the poetic injustice.

From the florist’s pane I pick

An orange flame on a stick.

In the fridge it seemed so proud

“Buy my self!” It seemed to shout.

That evening I did not know why

At Eileen’s shop I had stopped by.

Thence home I went with my purchase

A daisy in a plastic case.

For days to come I’d stare all day

Oh, how intense, her glorious rays!

And it was then it dawned on me

A smile I had, so finally.

That beaming face that daisy had

Brought forth some thoughts of dear friends.

Oh how I missed Zhen’s lack of tact

And Anna’s big slap on the back.

Aaron’s heartless spar of words

And Teen’s heart so full of love.

Dan’s secret brooding self,

Kenny’s love, his greatest wealth.

Ben’s love for his gourmet

Gene’s loyalty, come what may.

Ryan’s impeccable genteel

Jess’ shrill laughter and squeals.

Oh, how I missed their company!

Yet tonight, Daisy; just you and me.

Although I love your beaming face

You never can partake their place.

When I’m old and dying, rotting and suffering, who will hold my hand?

2009-09-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

“Sigh, another PD patient.”

*Parkinson’s Disease

30 patients under a team, with one House Officer and one Medical Officer. Two Medical Officers on leave. Team on post-take. The sombre mood reflected not the glorious rays of fresh sunlight that had started to peek through the screens.

And despite all the compassion, love and empathy doctors were expected to have, it was impossible not to flinch when one sees a new PD patient admitted to the ward. Impossibly difficult to manage, long-standing medical and psychosocial issues made admission periods longer, discharge dates postponed – and with every passing moment, the patient is exposed to hospital-acquired infections, especially in this day and age of A(H1N1).

The first doctor to see this patient holds his head in between his thumb and index finger; so many medical issues, where does one begin?

Primary diagnosis: Parkinson’s Disease.

Co-morbidities: Previous stroke in 2006, with left-sided weakness. Diabetes mellitus. Hypertension. Dyslipidemia. Ischaemic Heart Disease. Social issues (no caregiver).

The pen rested on the paper, soon enough, a blot was formed; stagnant was the pen held by the hand of the mind that could not start.

As early as 8.40am into the morning, one hour into the ward round, the morale of junior doctors hit rock bottom. The team was already at its 4th PD patient, all with multiple medical and social issues.

“Very difficult cases, very difficult, need multidisciplinary approach. Need to call the neurologist, endocrinologist, cardio team, respi team, ask them to come and review the patient. Ask nurses to change the urinary catheter due to suspected UTI, start antibiotics STAT. Get the Medical Social Worker to review patient and do means testing. Call Physiotherapist. Have to do all of this before 12pm….” droning like a song in the junior doctor’s heads.

The team arrives at the last patient of the morning, a 64-year old Chinese man.

The MO hastily opens the file. “Mr XXX is a 64/M/Chn, Parkinson’s Disease admitted for respite care. Past medical history of previous stroke in 2006, with left-sided weakness. Diabetes mellitus. Hypertension. Dyslipidemia. Ischaemic Heart Disease. Social issues (no caregiver).”

The MO catches his breath, and looks up to see if anyone was listening.

“What medication is the patient on? Mardopa? Any titration needed?” Registrar 1 asks. HO flips medical record file. Mumbles dosage.

“Anybody talked to the patient’s daughter or not?” asks Registrar 2.

Questions abound, while the HO and MO grapple to answer, struggling with the unfamiliarity of a new patient.

Furious flipping of casesheets. In the furore, pens fall, sheets of biochemical investigation forms fly all over the ground. HO picks them up. Medical student follows suit. Hastily clips them to back of case file.

Amidst the team’s wild chase to search for clues and answers, one man is calm and unwavering. Like a gentle giant, he towers above his subordinates in the team. The consultant is silent, yet he never once failed to listen to the input his colleagues were putting in. Yet his senses were all awake.

He was the one person, perhaps the only one in the team to look at the patient, the frail man lying in bed. In hospital baju, he lay slumped in bed, raised at 45 degrees. He lay slumped to the left, drooling due to the weakness from his previous stroke. A piece of tissue paper haphazardly slit under his chin, the drool had dried to crust; alas, it must have been there since last night.

The greying consultant gently raised the patient’s leg to test his motor power; and immediately a pang hit the entire team – indeed the pants of this man had been wet with faeces.

Embarrassed, the patient started to cry.

In almost perfect English, in terms of diction and the lilting accent of an educated Chinese man, he spoke in a quivering voice,

“Doctor, I have Parkinson’s Disease.”

The consultant nodded. “Yes I know, sir.”

“I want to die.”

With a flushed face tears came rolling down, drenching the deep creases of that aged face. It was irony, such wicked irony – that I was witnessing the typical mask-like facies of Parkinson’s Disease, a face of stone that was now shedding bitter tears in front of me.

“Don’t say that sir. We will take care of you. We will take good care of you.” As the consultant said this, he used a wet alcohol towel to wipe the tears and crust off the patient’s face.

“Come and help me,” the consultant gestured to his MO. They both pulled the patient into a comfortable position, no longer senget (crooked) in bed. At the behest of the consultant, the top man of this team, nurses scurried to clean the man, change his diapers and pants. And at no point in time did the consultant leave the bedside; he watched as the patient’s dignity was rebuilt, and 15 minutes later, the patient suddenly looked bright – no longer another debilitated face in the cubicles of the general wards.

And this consultant, before he left the bedside, he put his hand on the patient’s shoulder and said again, '”We will take good care of you.”

In the excesses and complexities of the systems we work for and work in, we often stray out of the fundamentals of clinical practice – sharpening our senses, opening our eyes to see what the patient has to say and show. Often enough it stems from a heart that is intent on caring for the charges under our care. Easier said than done, but somebody has to take that crucial step.

Returning from the hospital, as a patient

2009-09-27T20:54:00.004+08:00

I throw my keys on the vanity table as I returned to my room, lights off, and threw myself on the bed.

The arm still numbed from 2 jabs.

***

Boy am I tired, inside and out.

I have been hiding, intentionally,

As I was certain nobody can ever understand.

People will always be people.

We always wait for things to happen.

Wait for things to happen.

And this is why people disappoint.

"Why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you talk? Why didn't you this and that?"

Sometimes I wonder people do what they do, because of society's expectations

Or because of genuine concern.

Sometimes I wished they tried harder.

Only that little harder.

If only they did, we wouldn't have to face whatever we are facing today.

But I've stopped wishing.

I've stopped wishing the day I've stopped hoping.

Busy, really busy

2009-07-27T00:17:00.001+08:00

And really tired by the time I get home.

Alternative BBQ recipes: Green-shelled mussels

2009-07-13T02:48:00.001+08:00

Ma homies they loved them

You will need:

1kg green-shelled mussels (half-shell)

Barbeque sauce

Honey

Salt

Oregano, finely chopped

Chilli (optional)

Cheddar cheese

1. Wash and blanch mussels. Rinse in iced water immediately.

2. Rub in salt and drip dry.

3.Tease mussels open and spoon in 1 tbsp of BBQ sauce and 1 tsp of honey.

4. Cut cheddar into strips and arrange on top of mussels. Top off with oregano and chilli.

5. Grill over fire and watch cheese melt.

6. Remove from fire when sauces just start to bubble. Slurp and enjoy.

Only in Hualien

2009-07-07T22:23:00.001+08:00

Everything in Hualien seems so picturesque.

With a heavy heart and heavy head, I leaped out of bed at 4am reluctantly to be the last amongst us to get washed up and leave for Cisingtan Beach. Dubbed the ‘most beautiful coastline on the east coast of Taiwan’ by visitors, Cisingtan is, apparently, the must-go place for sunrise-watching in Hualien.

The sun rose slowly, but surely. There were probably a couple of sun watchers and some fishermen on the beach. Otherwise it was relatively remote that morning.

The mandatory leaping shot – silhouette of four leaping people in the early hours of the Hualien morning.

The day progresses and the sun advances – foamy ripples teasing the pebbles on the beach – simply wonderful.

Ordinary people like you and me, we like to take photos of ourselves in pretty places when we go abroad.

But not The Shuai. He takes pictures of everything but himself. That is what makes The Shuai suave.

***

Pretty things abound in Hualien county, not only in its beaches, but also in the their B&Bs.

For SGD48 per person/night, not only did Rose Garden B&B offer us the GOLD STANDARD in bedding, bathrooms, TVs and general well-being and luxurious creature comforts, they went all the way in breakfast too.

Breakfast Day 1 –This cannot be real, we thought.

Tai-tai training 101 starts with the coffee

Tai-taihood, here I come! Muahahahah

Rose Garden lady boss made these cookies herself

And this was breakfast on Day 2

***

Day 2 Hualien saw us doing alot of touristy stuff.

Hired a driver to take us around Hualien for the day – according to Shan public transport here is pretty dismal hence getting a local to take us around would be a much better idea.

There’s something about the suburban Taiwanese which makes them so endearing. Grounded, real and always welcoming. Old folks on the street, curiously peering at you, the foreign tourist, would not hesitate to ask you where you are headed to.

Ching-shiu Temple - the only Japanese temple that is completely preserved in Taiwan. Built by Japanese immigrants who migrated to Taiwan during the 1920s.

Pilgrimage stone located in the frontyard of the temple.

Avalokiteśvara

Went lake-paddling after that

Happy WP, Sieyen and Teacher Aibee

The cab that ferried us around for the day – driven by the perpetually smiling Uncle Lu

Lunchtime at Man Mei Pig Trotters.

Pig trotters – a traditional Hakka delicacy. As they say, you’ve haven’t had Hakka untik you’ve had pig trotters, yam with pork belly, and pork with fermented beancurd (no prizes for guessing most favourite animal of the Hakkas).

The pig trotters were good, but in my eyes heart and mind nothing beats my popo’s pig trotters! =)

Next we headed for the Lintianshan Logging Museum

Visually-provoking

Plain greediness vs cool respite on a hot, hot day

We passed by a gerbera daisy field! *WP sees Ivy go cuckoo and throwing her macro lens into the air*

Happiness~!

Taken by Ah Shuai

So pretty!

Hualien: To be continued…

Student Internship Programme starts tomorrow

2009-07-05T21:15:00.000+08:00

Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted to do?

Targets seem increasingly surreal when you get nearer to them.

Meet Aaron

2009-07-04T01:54:00.001+08:00

This is my friend Aaron. In this picture he is sitting with one leg propped up eating ice cream in front of Takashimaya. Minutes before this picture was taken he was licking the ice cream stick incessantly.

Although sometimes my blog entries may sound like I want to murder him, I actually don’t. I don’t have the heart to because he’s actually beri naice boi. For example. He lends me his Book Prize-worthy Otolaryngology notes for me to mug with. He also came down to show morale support and 魔鬼训练 during Patho and Pharmaco with his kickass buddy i.e my papa, Kenny. When I start postings, he will sms and ask about the day and how the posting has been. He also gives me cute nicknames like Polly, Magherita, Porti Pols, and many others which I don’t think I should mention in this blog.

So the conclusion is, Aaron Gan is a very very cute and nice and kind friend. He is definitely not a kok with a kapital K oily face chronically discharging walking talking sebaceous tumour disgusting pain in the backside.

Every year they get smaller.

2009-06-30T21:37:00.000+08:00

Pint-sized NUSSU CBLC Welfare Managers, coming soon at a centre near you.

Good feelings, bad feelings.

2009-06-29T19:09:00.001+08:00

Good feelings

I ripped this photo off Weix’ Flickr. Among all the CG photos we took, I really think this is the best. Look at how everybody’s beaming with wide, natural smiles! Ryan the handsomely, composed (except when he’s interviewing psychotic patients) gentleman, Weixiang the ~~Mansome~~ strappling, wise young man with an occasional hint of boyishness, Ningqi the ultimate geek (“Oh! So THAT’S Britney Spears?”) who, nonetheless has a very existent impish side, and Raphael… the reincarnation of the Laughing Buddha post-diet with a terrible sense of humour.

Like Weix said, by any standards, we are probably one of the CGs which has gone through some very tough times.Somehow we ended the tenure unscathed. Because the CG that works together, laughs together, shares the bad times as readily as the good ones, stays together. I really, honestly think we are awesome plus kickass. Thanks boys. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for the world. ;)

***

Bad feelings

I stubbed my left toe real hard and ripped off my toenail today.

WP: i stubbd n split my toenail. I van to cry

Nasty Aaron: Hahahahahahhahahahaha awwwww u pooor poooor ting….

WP: Ei… U anus… Ppl suffering u stil come n filipino me! whr is the lub? whr is the compacion?

Nasty Aaron: How come so suay… ask mum to gib u money to see doctor

WP: T____________T

从台北到花莲 From Taipei to Hualien

2009-06-28T11:57:00.001+08:00

In Taipei you can expect to find the usual traits of a capital city- fast-paced, state-of-the-art wherever possible, and when you arrive at the heart of the city, it is almost impossible not to find couture brands dotting buildings and shopping arcades.

Never been to Paris without being at the Eiffel Tower, Sydney without the Opera House, NY without the Statue of Liberty. Ditto for Taipei and Taipei 101, currently still the tallest building in the world before the rich sheikhs in Dubai take over next year.

The wind damper suspended on the 92nd floor – as the name suggests, serves to dampen strong wind loads. There’s a lot of physics involved, as the information pamphlets and tours suggest. But there is a reason why I am a doctor (to-be) and not a civil/mechanical/any engineer, so do not prompt me for more. Haha, if I understood physics > went on to build buildings > be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

As with ~~most~~ all famous tourist designations, tenants in the 101 are housed in strategic locations, all aiming the touri$t dollar.

This Laughing Buddha sculpture atop the Observatory – popular with Chinese, because, hey, look what he’s sitting on! Gold ingots!

Coral artworks also in the Observatory, both for exhibit and for sale.

Coral pandas.

Those freakin’ pandas have pearls in their playground, can. I also want. T_T

***

Time to leave Taipei for Hualien.

Hualien-bound ticket

Leaving Taipei

Tired siblings

Happy Family in Taipei was a typical backpacker’s hostel. Personally it was every inch of my expectations – a lot of communal sharing of very basic facilities.

Now that I am back in Singapore, I have to say it – Happy Family was worse than camping. Hahahahahahaha~

The toilet stank so badly that Ivy (first to wake up that morning) gagged while brushing her teeth. The first night we were there, there was no toilet paper. When Weixiang and I went upstairs to use the computer, the roof was leaking. Imagine leaking roof on rainy night. Sadness.

The worst thing was, all the PCs in Taiwan use TRADITIONAL CHINESE! WTF! Want to change language also dunno where to start! In the end I just guessed my way through, based on my memory of the position of certain links on certain pages. Sweat.

Therefore, when we arrived in Hualien, we didn’t expect things to be any more different in our B&B, Rose Garden B&B.

Imagine our shock and exhilaration when the door opened to this:

Unbelievable right!

Weixiang also cannot believe! AAAARGGGHH~!

And the best part was…

BATHTUB OH MAI GADDD THANK YOU FOR THE BIRDS IN THE SKY AND THE FISHES IN THE SEA AND THE BATHTUB IN MY ESPRIT BATHROOM!!

ZZZOMG Holy cow lembu yang suci 神圣的牛！

***

After we got over the shock that got the better of us, the adrenaline storm died down, and rightfully enough, hunger took over.

Off we headed to Hualien’s famous xiaolongbao/shuijiao/wantan/noodle stall, the idunnowhattheplaceiscalledbutthefoodisdamngood. Apparently the food there is so legendary that if you were to ask locals where The xiaolongbao place is, they would promptly direct you to The place.

Wah, take picture with the Shuai, confirm my market value will skyrocket.

Ivy: WP you got good hair day today!

WP: Yeah, because Rose Garden B&B™ allows me to use their hairdryer in their Esprit™ bathroom; anytime, anywhere, I can have good hair days®! *flicks hair and sways dramatically from left to right*

After food – the obligatory shopping spree down Hualien’s night markets to end the day.

Today’s blog entry shall end with a photo of Mafan, Rose Garden’s resident doggie!

***

FAQ: How come got time to blog and change blog layout, since technically speaking you are doing 2 postings?

Answer: Nola you kena scammed by me. The blog layout I did nong nong ago and beta-tested it on another site. Then didn’t bother to release it until now. Blog entries also written some weeks ago but had to wait for WX to release some of the photos (from his collection) I wanted to use. Like that lor. And I kena scammed by Dean’s Office for the two-posting thing. Haih. Seebay sian.

Taipei

2009-06-27T00:40:00.014+08:00

Conversation of the Day:

WP: *Notices bruise on Chunchun's arm* What happened to your arm?

Chunchun: *Switches to Filipino maid mode* Mum...abuse...me.

***

Naruwan hiya naruwan!

The Taiwan trip wasn't solely about the sights and sounds and smells.

It was also about the travelling companions, the sharing of the best and not-so-good experiences and most of all, the copious amount of silliness and laughter.

Sieyen - Weixiang's sister! Very much the same wavelength with her. She’s this giggly, happy and free-spirited young lady who looks like a female Weixiang :S. Budding journalist in the making.

***

First night in Taiwan- Taipei, 11pm, rainy, damp, tired, dark. Cabbie dropped us at the wrong lane (and trust me, there are probably MILLIONS of lanes in Taipei alone) and thus we had to scour for the right one in the cold drizzle to find our backpacker’s hostel, Happy Family.

Weixiang and Ivy on arrival!

Wet shoes tucked under the bed. Weixiang and Ivy took the double decker adjacent to ours (mine and Sieyen’s). Raphael shared his with this American Chinese dude who has probably 6-7 shoes parked by his bed (I have not the faintest idea why). Luckily for us, they don’t smell. Or maybe we were too tired to notice.

Goodnight.

***

Taiwan's famous little eateries pepper towns, cities, streets, lanes - from the famed fermented beancurd to lesser-known little treats.

The first morning in Taiwan, we had this China Pizza - a fluffy roti prata-like dough sandwiching a basil omelette.

The slightly nutty taste to the dough hinted at the use of spices. Overall it was a pleasant little treat, although basil is an acquired taste (Weixiang called it the 'nasty vegetable'). Easy to eat with on the go, or complemented with a chilled milk red tea. I’d later find out that red tea is a staple in Taiwan eateries.

Breakfast win!

***

The National Palace Museum. Probably best known for housing the Jadeite Cabbage and the Meat-Shaped Stone.

Spot Weixiang, Ivy and Raphael?

Chinese calligraphy etched on the glass panels above the escalators

“This piece is almost completely identical to a piece of bokchoy cabbage. Carved from verdant jadeite, the familiar subject, purity of the white vegetable body, and brilliant green of the leaves all create for an endearing and approachable work of art. Let's also not forget the two insects that have alighted on the vegetable leaves! They are a locust and katydid, which are traditional metaphors for having numerous children.”

“Made from banded jasper, it is a naturally occurring stone that accumulates in layers over many years. With time, different impurities will result in the production of various colors and hues to the layers. The craftsman who made this meat-shaped stone took the rich natural resources of this stone and carved it with great precision, and then the skin was stained. This process resulted in the appearance of skin and lean and fatty layers of meat, the veining and hair follicles making the piece appear even more realistic.”

***

Exploring the streets of Taiwan was a pleasure. Billboards, bright, bold and sometimes cheesy advertisements predominate shophouses, buildings and bus stops.

It was interesting to observe life at work in the heart of Taipei.

Personal pedicurist?

Shilin MRT Station

Inspirational food for thought at the bus stop

Now we are talking about real food

More good food – Personal steamboats for a steal

The Taiwanese equivalent of the green single-trip MRT ticket in Singapore. Doesn’t it remind you of mahjong chips?

***

Fisherman’s Wharf , Danshuei township

On our way there by foot from the MRT, there was more than plenty to be seen.

The famous sunset at Danshuei was the final destination, but along the journey, there were little perks – little dogs strutting happily by their owners, pigs as pets, parrots that peck.

I wasn’t joking when I said “parrots that peck”. :(

Finally at the Wharf

Lover’s Bridge – Best spot for sunset sightings

Have your portrait drawn by a street artist

What’s a wharf without fishermen?

Night view

[More to come]

How I spent my birthday

2009-06-26T00:29:00.005+08:00

Damn, really jinxed the hiatus. *pulls hair* ARGH!

1. I will remember Sun Moon Lake.

Not for the scenery, not for the food, not for the famous teas that spring from the soil of this magnificent place.

But for the fact that YK and Weixiang crept into Starbucks and brought two makeshift cakes, and celebrated my birthday the night before I left Taiwan.

:')

Thanks YK, Shuai, Teacher Aibee, Sieyen and Imelda!

2. Yumcha!

Got a birthday treat at Yumcha! Epic YAY!~

Haha no photos because I didn't know it was a birthday treat until the bill was footed.

WP: How much.

Somebody feeling rich: Neh mind la.

WP: Ha?

Somebody feeling rich: *tucks change into wallet* Your birthday mah.

WP: *Gostan tiga langkah* (Malay: Goes backwards three steps) Really ah? *Am chio*

Somebody feeling rich: *Nonchalantly* Mmm.

The perceived plan was that we'd eat in school, so I dressed up slackly... Taiwan NT100 short dress with my hotpants inside, with my bedhead (as in, not the style bedhead, but I woke up 15 minutes late and didn't really brush my hair properly. GG.) Eat in school ma, right, dress so chio for what.

Then somehow ended up in Chinatown.

Then somehow ended up in Cathay to watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.

In my hotpants, no earrings, slippers and bedhead.

WHAT THE.

Super unglam plus plus. Lucky I didn't bump into anyone I know. And lucky my Taiwan NT100 short dress looks abit funky with the crazy coloured polka dots. And lucky my hotpants not very obvious.

And the icing on the cake wasn't cake, but ice cream at Swensens at Holland V! Yay! I larve ice cream nong time!

One day go three places in hotpants lol.

So embarassing.

3. More dimsum!

I don’t know why. But this year's birthday a lot of dimsum. Not that I'm complaining. Hurhur.

Lao Beijing Dimsum Buffet! You hear good good! BUFFET! Muahaha

Ah John comes to Singapore 2009! Whoo!

~~4. Blu Jaz Cafe!~~

With the CBLC people! And with Yuting’s legendary cake!

No this iz nawt Yuting’s legendary cake

This is!

With the June babies

Jessie’s chao bin (No relevance whatsoever, inserted for fun)

Haha. Needed some ventilation after mugging for two niches in the same posting. I can go sleep now. Hurrah!

Taiwan entries coming soon! Soon.. enough.

Hiatus

2009-06-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

Let's see if I will eventually jinx this hiatus this time round.

Letters for my sister.

2009-06-21T23:34:00.001+08:00

If you are talking about fear, I think I know exactly what you mean.

Probably nobody else knows fear better than you and I do. In many ways, we have the same strengths and the same weaknesses. One of our weaknesses is our fear of- fear.

Maybe we both know sometimes, it seems that along this journey, we seem to struggle more than other people. We fall hard,and when we come crashing down on the ground, the damage hits hard - on the mind, soul and the ego.

But then again, through and through, we pulled it off. Like cockroaches, we never died. In fact, we pulled, strength to strength, to be both standing tall today. What does that speak of? It speaks of us being extraordinary.

I have come a long way, like you have, albeit mine in my own way as you have yours. Today I believe I am stronger than what I, or other people think I am. I climbed up from the fall, brushed the soil off my knees, and admitted my mistakes, accepted my faults, and faced the ugly parts of me, and life, in general. I know not many people can do that. Some think they can. But in truth, they really cannot.

And because of that, I know I am strong.

Therefore, I can tell you, with much conviction, in all honesty, that I know you can walk this journey with me. Yes you can. Sounds very Obama, very cliched. But that is the message I mean to deliver.

I know you are strong. Beneath that fear, beneath the teary eyes when you cry, I know you are strong.

It's not all talk, though. Now is the time to make concrete plans. Plans and strategies. We will make it together. This field we are in? There are assholes and bastards everywhere who think of nothing but themselves. Yet at the same time, there are also people who believe in the bottomline - that whatever you strive to be, there are principles to stick to - that it is possible to succeed and be humane, it is possible to succeed and have friends, it is possible to succeed and not be selfish. That I believe.

Don't let fear consume you. We will forget once in a while, but it's ok. Just keep reminding each other.

I am berri berri busy

2009-06-16T23:39:00.002+08:00

Therefore I will update my blog later. =)

My meddies are so awesome.

2009-06-03T01:17:00.005+08:00

There's something that reeks of coolness whenever you put Kenny, Liwei and (fine, fine, Aaron) together. I don't know. Maybe it's the sparring of intelligence when they converse. Maybe it's the banter. The jokes. The xiaosha-ness. I don't know. But collectively, they are so awesome and so full of win.

So they were eating the lemon cake with crunchy topping that I baked last night to finish off the last of the eggs I had in the fridge before I leave for Taiwan (NARUWAN!).

How come my cakes all look the same..zzz. I hope they all don't TASTE the same. -_-

Liwei was conjuring this ideal hypothetical situation, where he'd be HO in the same ward as I'd be in, and he imagined passing by the pantry where I'd be stir-frying something in there and all the patients would be sitting there waiting for food. And Kenny the next HO would usher all the patients back to their bed..."Eh kambekk kambekkkk...Ward round..."

Sialla. I don't want to get fired on my first day of housemanship okay. Hahaha. And I don't want to suffer in medicine for 5 years just to open a zichar stall in a ward pantry. Holy cow.

Liwei offered to drive for the BBQ last night on MSN! Awesome. He's the man, man. Not alot of time to think about the Meddie BBQ for the moment. Guess I have to wait till I come back from Taiwan (NARUWAN!) before I get down to working out the logistics.

Today I spent the entire morning (okay it shouldn't sound THAT long because I didn't wake up THAT early anyway... hurhur) packing for Taiwan (NARUWAN!).

Hmms. Why is my bag still so small.

Either I really lived up to my reputation as The Legendary Master One Backpack Sail the Seven Seas during the 2001 Johor Jaya In-Camp (and subsequent camps thereafter), or... I underpacked?

Cannot be la.

Whatever la.

Don't care already.

*Rolls eyes*

New CG! Comprising a group of very likeable people. And The Three Shuais are in the CG downstream of mine! FTW! Yayness! The happiness! The joy! The exhilaration!

But also the fear of the final MBBS. So scared that I wanna (to quote a famous consultant in A&E) "sheeeet in my pants".

Action plan: Go Taiwan (NARUWAN!), come back, BBQ, start school, and start studying systembloodymatically STAT.

And all hell should break loose from there.

Holy cow I think I have verbal diarrhoea.

Geylang doujiang youtiao happily churning in my stomach right now. I think with all the activity I've had tonight I really should be in bed.

Tomorrow I still need to go to the COFM photocopy room to collect Gan's salted fishes. Haih. Gan is a kok with a kapital K. :P

Night peeps.

Oh and before I go, Bean is reading this. *waves excitedly* Hi Bean!!! :DDD

I'm busy.

2009-06-01T18:12:00.000+08:00

Obvious from the lack of updates on this blog.

Someday we’ll know.

2009-05-27T21:28:00.001+08:00

Sometimes we pause to wonder

Whether, all along or in certain periods in our lives,

That we have made the wrong choices

That led the course of our lives to change.

Whether we’ve done the wrong things,

Said the wrong words,

Loved the wrong people,

Trusted when we shouldn’t have trusted,

Hoping when in fact, there is none to be hoped for.

Sometimes our actions cannot be undone,

But then again, sometimes there is.

Maybe I still have a chance to undo what is done.

It’s not going to be easy, I know.

Maybe it’s time to do something for myself for a change.

Just maybe.

Someday we’ll know.

Fruit juice konnyaku jelly

2009-05-26T03:24:00.005+08:00

This batch - Pink guava and mango konnyaku jelly

250g sweetened konnyaku powder
500ml water
500ml fruit juice/puree
1 tbsp kiwi seeds, soaked in warm water and drained to remove husks and other impurities

1. Boil water, then turn to medium heat before pouring in juice(low heat if you are using commercial fruit juice, as the thickening agents tend to cause alot of foaming)

2. Add in kiwi seeds and stir.

3. Gradually pour in konnyaku powder. Stir continuously to prevent lumping.

4. Continue stirring until powder is completely dissolved. Pour into moulds and chill.

Downtime - Every now and then there is one

2009-05-24T22:05:00.004+08:00

Downtime part 1

Can't help but feel offended, and a little sad inside.

如果做朋友做得那么辛苦，那又何必呢？

Walk together and fear to be seen. Leave together and fear to be seen. Speak together and fear to be seen.

你不辛苦吗？我真的累了。I honestly fear, and do not anticipate the day when I feel that this is not worth it. Feels like trampling of my self-worth and value of the friendship every time it happens.

Downtime part 2

我的朋友全都毕业了...

Probably not the first time lamenting about this...

难道。。。I have to face the cycle of returning from work... dinner alone...then face the four walls... sleep... To wake up to the same cycle again tomorrow?

Pardon the very mundane,pointless rantings... I just needed to get it of my chest. The walls of Block 16/4/A do not make good listeners.

My friends are full of crap Series 1

2009-05-21T19:24:00.003+08:00

Why I think Dank is FOC

#1
"WP hands Dank Original Source Lemon and Tea Tree shower gel to sniff from*

WP: This is good stuff.
Dank: *wrinkles nose disgustedly* Eeeeii. If I use this think I will faint inside the bathroom ah.

#2
*Dank pushes trolley filled with boxes to be shifted to another block*

Dank: Go go go go go GOGO POWER RANGERSSSSSS!!! *runs with trolley*

WP and Felic: –_-lll

WP calls Dank repeatedly but he never picks up the phone, when at long last…

WP: HELLO??!!! WHERE ARE YOU???

Dank: Singapore.

WP calls Dank again…

WP: Where are you?

Dank: On my chair.

WP, yes, calls Dank.

WP: Where are you.

Dank: Earth.

Dank: Got mirror or not.

*Discovers mirror on wall above sink, looks at own reflection and tousles hair*

Dank: Why I so handsome ar.

Another trolley incident, where Dank struggles to push trolley full with boxes up to his own height. He reaches a corner, and attempts to turn the trolley.

Dank: Aiya. Cannot turn.

WP thinks Dank is up to one of his nonsensical businesses again, ignores and presses lift button. Lift arrives, and WP steps in

Dank: *Panics* WEN PHEEIII! THE TROLLEY REALLY CANNOT TURNNN!! *Struggles to manoeuvre trolley, boxes shaking, wheels squeak but trolley refuses to move a single inch*

Funny isn't it.

2009-05-19T18:31:00.003+08:00

Funny how well we know our friends' personalities and striking traits, that we can imagine their responses and behaviours in hypothetical situations.

eyin. says (6:22 PM):
*so fri just meet up for dinner is it

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:24 PM):
*ah then?
*go tiong bahru gay bar?

eyin. says (6:26 PM):
*that is scary
*look at the indo boys
*look like they cant protect us at all

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:26 PM):
*i think they need us to protect them from the gays

eyin. says (6:26 PM):
*very sad leh

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:27 PM):
*imagine the gay auntie go and touch their neh neh
*"aiyo, boy ah u very FIT leh!!"

eyin. says (6:27 PM):
*i can imagine sumi's shell shocked face
*i dont know why and dannish's

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:28 PM):
*i can imagine mike kho squirming in his seat

eyin. says (6:28 PM):
*i cant imagine yanadi or mike kho kena-ing this

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:28 PM):
*i can imagine JK squishing the gay's nehneh back

eyin. says (6:28 PM):
*HAHAHHAHAHAHA
*I TOTALLY AGREE

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:28 PM):
**nods*

eyin. says (6:28 PM):
*disturbing image

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:29 PM):
*teddy will be undisturbed by the ruckus and continue to watch the transvestite stripper show

*but i can't imagine dank's reaction thou
*maybe he'll just get drunk and strip with the pole dancers or something

eyin. says (6:31 PM):
*the indo boys turn gay

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:31 PM):
*yanadi will grab the mike
*and sing
*"I SEEEEEEEEEEEED HER!!! YEAAAAAAAAAHH!!"

eyin. says (6:32 PM):
*he shld change to i seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed HIIIIIIIIIIIM

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:32 PM):
*biologically not very possible leh

eyin. says (6:32 PM):
*EVEN IF IT IS GIRL
*girls can seed a guy right?

(#) wenphei = hinnnn. (#) says (6:33 PM):
*but guy how to seed guy

eyin. says (6:34 PM):
*lets not get so technical alright

Requiem.

2009-05-19T06:35:00.002+08:00

In loving memory of you.

Today the air is still.

The sparrows, they chirp, far far away,

Almost, it feels

Like a whisper to the ear.

Today the day starts naught.

The world is dark

Perhaps the orange lights of the roads

Do nothing to illuminate the forlorn heart.

Today I will think of you.

I will miss your loving touch

That captivating laughter that ensues

Anything you deem fanciful.

Today I will be reminded of loss.

Perhaps today I have realised

That you are gone

And it is time to let go of you.

I do not miss you, it’s my human heart.

Its longing for you never seems to cease

Inklings of you still run in my blood

Oh, curse my human heart.

Today I am dealing with goodbyes

But at least today

I willed a dry eye

For want of a better farewell.

And so I have decided to let go of the pain of the loss, and yet, keep the joy of the memories.

Goodbye, and until we meet again.

I'm sorry Elian, Idy, Johnson and Isaac

2009-05-18T00:19:00.003+08:00

Lim Mama's legendary chicken curry <3

Worth every single calorie, even much more worth being mentioned repeatedly on this blog.

Facepalm.

2009-05-16T13:39:00.002+08:00

I hate the new PGP management for forcing us to shift blocks for the vacation.

So much stuff, how to move?????!!

Kuih Ambon WIN

2009-05-15T03:32:00.005+08:00

Oh, Mama!

My maiden attempt at Kuih Ambon (Kwe Ambon, Bika Ambon, WHATEVER) has (modestly) succeeded!

Ok, maybe can work abit on the moisture side, and probably needs a tad more sugar too (but it's alright, you need to cut down on your sugar intake also). But heng ah! When I saw the limp, watery batter I thought I was going to produce an Ambon FAIL. Turned out to have some semblance of a 'kuih', haha.

Now my whole room smells like Kuih Ambon.. *gleefully packs kuih into whatever little containers she has left*

***

Durng the month of Ramadhan, the residential area where I live in (90% Malays) will be peppered by bazaars selling buka puasa fare. From the conventional nasi ayam (chicken rice),
nasi lemak kukus/lauk/kampung (see, nasi lemak also got variety, Chong Pang can go back fly kite), nasi kerabu, nasi ambang, nasi briyani, nasi kunyit...aahh...

And for those who don't dig the heavy stuff, fret not. Hawkers peddle all sorts of fare, including Malay-Chinese fusion food- char kuey teow (Malay style, hot like hell, put inside mouth when come out from the other end feels like the rectum gonna catch fire liao), yong tau foo and nasi ayam Cina (Chinese chicken rice, which actually is bai zhan ji).

Sweet tooth? What else but a carb-rich dessert to satisfy the day's hunger? I remembered thronging the dessert stalls- and was enthralled by the mix of kuih-kuih - and that was when my love affair with kuih ambon started.

For a while, after coming to Singapore, I totally gave up on the Malay food here. The Singaporean Malays don't come close when it comes to the Nusantara palate, probably due to the need to cater to a wider audience, i.e the Chinese who make up the bulk of the population. So for some time I stopped eating Malay food, unless on the occasional trip back home.

Oh, who can forget the tastes and smells of home? Nothing beats the sizzling sambal frying on the hot pan in Malaysia, where the aroma drifting from the restaurant entices diners sitting on chairs and tables placed (illegally) on car park lots. One stall away, the prata man - more popularly known in Malaysia as roti canai - flings his dough into the air. Moments later, the freshly-made canai is served with a sinfully, sickly sweet teh tarik.

2am at the Mamak restaurant, and the EPL is on TV. Not surprisingly, a bevy of motorcycles is parked outside the restaurant, and the Mamak is seen dutifully serving beverages as ordered. When I arrive to order, he asks, "Amoi mau order apa?" (Amoi, what do you want to order?)

The roti bomb, the real killer. Roti canai and egg, drenched with kaya, butter and honey (and condensed milk too, depending on what variation your friendly neighbourhood Mamak uses). I remember glaring at Cheng for ordering that. But when she gave me a bite of her stash, my life changed.

Living in a predominantly Malay area, I've lost the Chinese accent when speaking Malay, and can speak their language like a native. I mingle among them, gradually blending into the crowd. But the best part was knowing their food - it's true what they say, you can learn about a civilisation by learning about the food they eat; after all, food is for life.

Inferiority complex

2009-05-14T11:52:00.003+08:00

...Exists even in the best of men.

Lalala Love Song.

2009-05-13T00:35:00.001+08:00

I made brownies

As the title suggests, I made brownies! =D

Brownies are so ma fan little things – you have to mix the ingredients over slow fire, which is tricky because if one is not careful with the heat, it results in burnt-smelling chocolate (trust me, I learnt the hard way with Godiva chocolate and the microwave oven T_T )

I ended up with little bounty because I used a recipe for a small cake – nonetheless ended up with 12 pieces of brownies sandwiching a vanilla cream filling, and nuts and chocolate chips in the cake proper. (Didn’t have chocolate chips in the fridge as I baked with the intention of clearing whatever’s in stock before I move to another block- so I chopped Meiji chocolate bars and chucked them into the batter)

The brownies turned out pretty well considering how disastrous the batter looked… Yikes. And I was glad I put the nuts it as they added to the texture. Hurrah! Another recipe learnt today.

I don’t know how the brownies tasted like though. People who have tasted them had generally quite nice comments. I hope they aren’t being overly courteous.

And the reason why I have decided against tasting my brownies is because…

***

CBLC is the root of all evil

You know, it doesn’t help to have a friend whose friend is a top notch chef in a top notch hotel.

*sigh*

I’ve been shamelessly working out so I can look better in time for the AGM (CBLC + Major event = Truckloads of unabashed camwhoring). But I reckon those weeks in the gym went down the drain in two nights because of two reasons:

1. Geylang Lorong 9

2. New Majestic Hotel

*sighs again*

OK, I missed a large part of Sentosa because of the fiasco the Dean’s Office put me us through in view of the H1N1. So I spent the entire day doing paperwork and making calls and the whole works. Thankfully Benji drove to school to submit his thesis so I could hitch a ride. On our way to Sentosa we even gave the PINUS people (Rara, actually) a ride to West Coast Park! Benji was kinda sweet to offer the lift though he didn’t know any one of them :)

[Daddy, if you are reading this, WE NEED A NEW CAR. Hehehehehehehe]

So after a very short stint at Sentosa (wasted my 2 bucks, damn) we headed off to pick Kitty and Windy at Varsity Park/PGP and headed off the the land of Greed, Gluttony and Lust, Geylang. The froggy porridge was first – not particularly satisfying. I think it’s because I’ve been pampered by Uncle Won, my uncle who catches and slaughters and cooks his own frogs! I always look forward to going back to the kampung because he’s bound to go out into the clearings and catch a garoupa or two, and cook it on the same day. And it’s true what they say; catch cooked on the same day tastes nothing short of heavenly.

Oops digression haha.

Anyway.

After porridge Jessie was plodding everyone for dimsum – and hey why not, dimsum sounded good (I love dimsum). Before you can say “glutton”, I already found myself sitting in a 1980s coffeeshop slurping down on chee cheong fun.

A groupie, one for the record!

It’s obvious that kanG has a spankingly good appetite

I HAD to post this one, even if I had to risk being decapitated by Benji

And yep, no Geylang trip complete without durians.

3 lulian ten doler

Jason cracks the nut

As if that wasn’t enough, the REAL DEAL began the next day, post-AGM.

*be prepared for a lot of photos ahead*

Nice place, nice ambience, and most of all, early booking to avoid queuing!!

Wasabi Prawn with Fresh Fruit Salad. Nice appetiser with a hint of wasabe which was tingling, yet not unpleasant. Yums.

NUSSU SAVE is not going to like this…

“Sek pan yu” a.k.a Garoupa! Fresh chunk of fish seated on a bed of Chinese lilies and mushrooms, bathed in light soy.

Somewhere along the way I must have gotten away with the food so much that I forgot to take pictures. So we are going straight to dessert here – Fried Durian Iced Cream. No photo can do justice to this mind-blowing dessert. A light, warm batter on the outside, and a rich durian ice cream on the inside. Every bite is an explosion of fresh durian puree in the mouth, permeating every nook and cranny. The syrup soaking the bottom of the dessert is just the icing on the cake. Gastrorgasmic pleasure.

Obviously somebody here doesn’t like durian, kept downing osmanthus tea like no tomorrow…XD (Cannot tahan Andrew’s hair also, HAHAHHAHAHA)

Every food connoisseur knows the value of a Wine&Dine plaque when they see one. Benji included.

“OMG its the Wine&Dine #$%*^ plaque! EH come take picture! Eh make sure must see the Wine&Dine ah!”

I felt like a vase.

You really have to click and enlarge this photo to see Kit’s face on this one.

My boss… But not for long…. Muah hah hah hah hah

Being the greedy drunkards we were, of course, one venue was not enough to placate the ethanol-inclined in us. Soon enough, I found myself standing in front of Love The World Soul Rock: Bistro and Bar (#02-05 Singapore Flyer), saying “Hi I made a reservation with Melvin for 17 people…”

Camwhores, my CCA peeps.

There’s always a reason for a groupie shot

Jessie is obviously happily intoxicated

Danny attempts to flash all 32 pearlies

Wanna fight see whose eyes bigger, is it

Toilet also can take photo de worh

WP refuses to succumb to the omnipresent peace sign

I still cannot get over the fact that the Presidential speech was made in a drop-off bay (and you would have seen Kenny talking if not for Andrew who purposely planted his butt in front of me, zzz)

Ahh… Now that the AGM is over,

Have alot of mixed emotions running through my veins now.

:’)

Argh aiyah wenphei arh.

2009-05-12T16:02:00.003+08:00

It should have hit me earlier.

I shouldn't have confided in him.

I'd potentially make him feel bad (probably guilty), and probably a host of other very mixed feelings too.

Why didn't I consider his feelings when I could?

Aiyo....wenphei ah.... What happened to your brain.... *slaps self repeatedly*

Xixi is ANGSTY

2009-05-08T03:34:00.002+08:00

bunnygirl™ and the flu crusade

2009-05-06T04:00:00.002+08:00

ENGLISH POST back by popular demand

2009-05-05T21:47:00.003+08:00

You see, the title works out that way because

Weixiang = popular,

Therefore ENGLISH POST back by Weixiang's demand = ENGLISH POST back by popular demand.

(Can almost hear him say "Talkkkhock lor!" back there....)

Yeah yeah I'm working on the next post now. Mai char liao.

I'm sorry.

2009-05-04T22:27:00.003+08:00

Kadang kala saya pun tidak tahu apa yang saya sedang lakukan.

Jangan tanyakan saya apa yang sedang berlangsung. Saya tidak tahu, dan saya rasakan saya sudah seakan-akan hilang kawalan. Dan disebabkan inilah, saya kini ketakutan.

Disebabkan saya tidak suka menonjolkan ketakutan saya, saya memanifestasikan perasaan saya dalam bentuk kegalakan.

Saya gentar, letih, dan semangat saya sudah pudar.

Warning: Potential foreign language post ahead

2009-04-27T02:10:00.007+08:00

Oops, sorry for alienating like 70% of my readers, but I suppose there are some words that no English or Chinese can convey.

Once in a while la okay. ;)

***

Or rather sesetengah benda itu aku tak suka semua orang tahu and most of the people whom I rasa paling close to dan aku rela berkongsi perasaan boleh faham Bahasa Melayu/Malaysia/Nusantara/apa-apalah.

Buat beberapa minggu ini aku memang dalam keadaan beremosi... Mungkin sebab konco-konco aku dari sekolah menengah up to Form 6 semuanya dah nak blah.... Tinggallah aku seorang-seorang kat NUS ni. Sememangnya my worst nightmare has come true because I really saw this coming...

Sedih lah... Tengah-tengah malam siapalah lagi yang boleh teman aku pergi 'la kopi' kat Fong Seng... Atau pergi merobohkan kedai Aunty Tasty kat Raffles Hall tengah-tengah malam buta...

Atau pose/camwhore macam perempuan gila kat Engineering Bridge...

Dan sememangnya saat-saat tergundah aku, diorang semua ada, and vice-versa...

And konco-konco jahat aku yang lain semuanya based kat JB...

Apparently people point out to me yang aku ini sebenarnya ramai kawan... Tapi the paradox is semakin ramai kawan aku semakin kosong hati kecil ni...

Kadang-kala susah juga kan, nak sit down , have a cuppa and just talk about anything and everything under the stars... Kongsi perasaan, baik yang suka atau pilu dengan satu orang yang kita betul-betul close to...

Kalau yang perempuan, kadang-kadang boleh end up in catfight.. Kalau dengan lelaki, nanti kena scandalised pulak..

Haih.... Susahnya nak jadi manusia yang gembirak kat duniawi ni.

Manusia ni pelik kan... Kita takutkan perkara yang tak patut kita takuti, sesungguhnya kita tahu ketakutan itu tidak perlu, namun kita tidak dapat mengawal perasaan takut itu...

Now what the hell am I rambling.

Anyway bukan sahaja perkara itu yang membuatkan perasaan aku semacam tak betul baru-baru ni..

Also troubled by Perkara Z yang melibatkan Pihak X... Tapi I suppose, I need to learn that there's only so much one person can do... Agreed by Master K...

Also baru-baru ini Perkara Y yang baru berlaku.

Just when tiga perkara ini bermain-main dalam otak, hati dan perut aku... Really wanted to cari seseorang untuk pergi minum kopi dan cakap ayam jantan (talk cock) [p/s: wtf translation is that?]....

Tapi I realised takde pulak orang yang boleh berkopi dengan aku masa tu....

Sedih...Emo macam nak nangis dah.

Nasib baik malam tu Ah Chungling datang melawat.... Kurang sikit tawar hati aku tu..

Dahlah... Aku tak selalu emo macam ni.... Sekali-sekala je. Cuma nak ventilate sikit. Dah. Nak pergi tidur dah. Esok aku kena buka kedai kat Central Libabi pukul 8 pagi deh.

P/S: On hindsight entry ni dah macam blog contestant Malaysian Dreamgirl pulak. Adehh... :S

Why?

2009-04-25T01:05:00.001+08:00

And what if?

All along knowing, but today it was reinforced

2009-04-24T02:58:00.002+08:00

That we’ve eventually learned to move on, in our own ways, in separate ways.

Across the road, in opposite directions, I watched as the bus you were in moved away. That person, once so close, now so far; so distant, almost foreign.

Quietly, we’ve tucked each other in a little corner in each other’s hearts, and closed the lid upon that little box, and with little expectations with what the future may hold, we walk, although in diverging directions, but with the same hopes and dreams.